Monday, August 11, 2008

uggggh!

at 7:45 i had my breakfast, after about 1.5 hours of chewing a spitting crap!!!!
i think my body was fooled because of the chewing a spitting . once i finally did "Eat" my body just wasn't satisfied. so i had 2 yogurts- the gross kind with artificial sweeteners and HFCS. cheerios, gram crackers, cheez-it's, a package of oatmeal, popcorn,


i made a huge banana split with a jar of PB, chocolate scauce, sprinkles, grham crackers, than i had ANOTHER!!!! i had 2 large banana splits (the entire container of vanilia ice cream)
(i hate that their is so much available food to binge on at my summer job)

i had some lorna doons too. oh man. and a key lime pie lar bar


i felt soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disgusting. i had so much anger!!! i wouldn't even think straight. i went for a little walk to try and cool down. i also called my mom and that helped me to work through some feelings.
i discovered a lot about myself. i will delve into it in another post.
on the way home i stopped at whole foods and got these individual almond butter packs. this should help me to regulate the amount that i eat.


i also bought a jar a cashew butter , i just need to get away from the PB taste , i have binged on it way tooo many times. i figured that i would play around with some different nut butters and have some better success getting the healthy fats in!before leaving work i had another larbar and most of the lunch i had packed (at about 2:00) i just wanted to get myself right back on track as soon a possible no matter how full i was or how much i was beating myself up!!!!! [the salad consisted of 1/2 can tuna 1/2 c cottage cheese, lots of veggies, and that champagne pear dressing with goat cheese] (sorry i don't have a pic.)


late that evening i went to a graduation party. i was a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had not seen these people in about 2 years. i looked like shit, i felt like shit, and i was insulted (someone bluntly asked me if i would be graduating from high school soon and wanted to know if i was doing any lifeguarding for a summer job. she couldn't believe that i was a therapist. she told me that i looked like a young teenager!!! why do these people say these things out loud!!!! i had some fruit salad at the grad party.i went home that night and fell asleep on the couch at about 6:00 and slept until 7:40 the next AM.


anyways, my mom is waiting for me to develop a wellness plan for me (which i think is a excellent idea)!!! oh and my mom had a great idea (P.S. i have been staying with my parents through this crisis). i will prepare both of our foods. because i always say "I know how to eat" "I would have no problem feeding someone else" "why do i have so much trouble feeding myself!!!!!" so her idea is that i prepare both of our meals and it will help me in turn with my own eating. i think it may help.


so for breakfast this AM (08.11.08) at 8:30
i made 1c wheat bran, 4 plumbs, a handful of blueberries, 6 oz greek yogurt, with a spoonful of my net cashew butter stirred in! it was really good. but hard to put food in my stomach after being so mean to myself yesterday!

for my mom i made yogurt mixed with applesauce, handful of blueberries, walnuts, and a slice of cornbread (she had about 1/2 of the slice). i must say i really did enjoy making breakfast for her as well.

4 comments:

Lindsay said...

I know you said you know how to eat...but have you ever worked with a nutritionist? They could help you come up with a specific plan for your needs. It might help to have a written plan of what you need that you can stick to. Just a thought.
Also, my biggest trigger for binging is when i get really hungry. When i finally allow myself to eat, i eat to the point of sickness. Bad cycle.
Hope this helps,
lindz

Kasondra said...

thank you Lindsay. i know exactly what you are talking about. i have worked with a nutritionist. just haven't found a plan that works for me. i am actually headed out the door to see her now. hopefully i will get the most out of the appointment. i think i need a flexible plan because when i have a really strict plan i tend to eventually vier off it. i'll write back later on after i talk to her and let you know if we came up with anything. Thank you soo much for your suggestions and support!!

Lindsay said...

I hope it goes well!
i have found plans that say how much of each food group you need a day are the most helpful. That way, you get variety, you know it's healthy, but you have a plan and limits, ya know? I'm having a really hard week, i totally need to practice what i preach! :/
- lindsay

kasondra said...

hay! so my nutritionist (RD) gave me a plan i'm really excited about. she gave me a list of exchanges then an exchange system to follow for each meal. for ex. breakfast is: 2 meat, 1 milk, 2 starch, 2 fruit, 1 fat. i eat 3 meals, 2 snacks, and one dessert a day. it's going great thus far and i feel safe.
i hope you can get yourself back on track. if you would like to know the exact exchange program for my whole day just let me know and i would be happy share it all with you. i just don't want to ramble if it wouldn't apply to you. thank you again so much for you concern and support, i really appreciate having someone to talk to.