Monday, August 18, 2008


today i did a mindfulness exercise with my mom called heart breathing. she talked me through it. the exercise was to get your hear and lungs on the same page. to be thinking of them as working in unison. i laid still for 10 minutes with my hands on my chest feeling my chest rise and fall with each breath as i felt my heart beat. without even trying this exercise relaxed me, and gave me peace. it also gave me an overcoming urge to treat my body with compassion. this is the only body i will get. they exercise reminded me of the delicate workings of my composition and how its livelihood is in the hands of myself.
before engaging in the exercise i became slightly anxious with the idea of sitting still for 10 minutes. i didn't think i could quiet my body for 10 whole minutes. i thought it would last an eternity! however i was pleasantly surprised with the outcome. i actually laid for 11 and 1/2 minutes! (if you knew me you would know that it is almost impossible to get me still and doing nothing. i am the queen multi-tasker and i like to be busy). this exercise is something i would like to visit again. also, i am excited to challenge my previous anxiety towards exercises such as this one and try some new ones. my goal is to complete one daily.

unstatisfying first glance

dinner was a bit tricky at 6:15 6:30ish. i had a very large salad with 1/2 can tuna. 6 oz plain regular yogurt. about 5 T parm. Cheese, garlic slices. afterward i jsut really didn't feel satisfied. i don't know if it was my ED mind. (i guess i didn't have a starch with the meal. i really need to just stick to the meal plan right now. until i have a couple weeks under my belt of regulated eating!) i don't want to be playing with fire!!!!

so when i was finished with my salad i made a sandwich with a large red pear, about 2 T Cashew butter, and i pita. it was the best combination ever! i think my earlier meal was lacking substancial nutrience for some reason. but i keep questioning it because 1/2 can tuna and 6 oz (not reduced fat yogurt) and 5 T cheese should be filling.
one thing i have learned that no matter how much you eat from a certain food group your belly just won't feel satisfied if you don't give it the right mix of food groups. - don't get me wrong i was very full after the meal. it was a large portion, however, it wasn't satisfying. (the only comparison i can make is guzzling a large amount of liquid on an empty stomach and feeling filled up but not nourished. anyways lesson learned. i will be making sure that my meals are a little more well rounded from the beginning from now on! and i will definitely be making the sandwich combo again!

a hot day

today was pretty hot!!! i have had a great day so far though. my mom is sick and she slept over my place last night so that i could take care of her. i had a blast playing "Mommy."

Breakfast at 7:30 was 4 egg whites, 1 english muffin sliced in 3 pieces, soy nut butter, jam, butter, abut 2 1/3 c watermelon, 6 ox plain regular yogurt, i moo magic milk mix.

i went to a step and tone class at the gym. it was a lot of fun but it wasn't symmetrical. i hope i'm not unevenly sore.
for a snack at 10:20 i had a slice of bread with butter. a large banana microwaved with butter and jelly, 1 tofu hot dog, and a package of biscuts (2)

(butter on bread not pictured)

for lunch i had a delicious combo. 2 tortillias, about 3/4c salsa, zucchini, i slice cheese, 2 veg burgers, a lot of garlic!!

i forgot to take a picture of my snack this afternoon at my parents house. i had at 5:00 one banana, about 1/2c yogurt, a couple mushrooms with mustard and a pickle.

i bought Jack a harness today so that he can't slip his collar anymore!!! i hope it works : ) my fingers are crossed!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

sunday, bloody sunday.

today was one week binge free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY. well almost. well i'm still calling it binge free. today when i left my parents house to go home (8:45) i started eating right when i got home. i had 2 bananas, some butter, (i know bananas and butter is weird but i like it), about 3 T PB, about 4 T Jelly, and about 1 1/2 c strawberries. then i said NO! i don't want to be going down this road. it is one week for me, and I'm putting a stop to it. i don't know why i am eating. i don't need to know why right this second (or ever for that matter) i just need to stop. recognice that i had breakfast an hour ago and should be all set. i'm so proud of myself for stopping at a reasonable time.
i got out of the house and went to an easy 45 minute step class at the gym. it was nice to get out and do something. my mind wasn't at ease though from the proceeding events. i was just playing it over and over through my mind, "I can't believe i went home and just ate and ate." "how would i let myself do that." i'm working on diminishing the self torture. : )

before all that for breakfast i made my family imitation IHOP harvest grain and nut pancakes. they went over quite well. i was in need of a "comfortable" food for breakfast after the horror last night. i had 3/4 cantaloupe, 1c wheat bran, 4 egg whites, cinnamon, 2x moo magic milk mixes. and 3/4 c vanilla yogurt- i was quite upset about this . it was in the same container as the plain. i though it was plain. i don't like eating flavored yogurt because of the VERY HIGH sugar content. i needed to take a couple deep breaths when i discovered it was vanilla. then i convinced myself that it is only flavored yogurt and it isn't that bad. no one ever died from eating flavored yogurt haha.
anyways, i asked my mom to meet me at my house at 10:30 after the class. i didn't want to be alone too long. i really want to ensure my success and not give myself more than i can handle at one time. i think this is what needs to be done. I'm through playing with fire! also, i am unbelievably blessed to have a family who is so supportive. a mother who will be there for me whenever i need her providing me with unconditional love, listening, and support. so my mom and i spent the say reclaiming the house!!! yay (since my BF moved out). i finally get to claim my own space. it feels so good to clean and unclutter!!!!!!!!!!!
oh by the way i counted that little episode at 9:00 as my mid AM snack. (although it was a little big for my snack) it all worked out.
i made a nice lunch for my mom and i at 12:30 and we ate around 1
i made: 2 servings Morningstar farms crumbles, 1/3 c plain regular yogurt, zucchini, cheddar cheese (i slice), about 6 oz potatoes.

i stir fryed my mom's potatoes and zucchini in a pan with some peanut stir fry sauce. she said it was yummy. i can deal with eating the peanut sauce myself. i just need to get away from the specific peanut taste for a while (too much binging) i have been having fun experimenting with other nut butters though. this is a picture of my mom's lunch. : )

snack time came around and i made a couple wasa crackers with honey soynut butter and jam. i almost forgot to take the picture. i had one left when i remembered. i also snacked on a couple of mushrooms with spray butter and 2 pickles.
i invited my entire family over for dinner tonight. i wanted to say thank you for helping me though the week. they really were amazing and the dinner doesn't even come close to saying thank you enough. here is the picture. ( my portion was 2oz soy bean pasta, zucchini, tomato scauce, 1 slice cheese, 2 tomato basil veg burgers. a lot of garlic) - feel like i'm forgetting something..... oh well here is the picture:

oh and my dad bought me some sunflowers and watermelon!!!!! he is sooo sweet. : ) have an awesome night everyone. i know i will.

by the way my dog is insane. i took him for a walk and let me tell you i know what an ox plowing a field feels like. i DRAGGED him the entire way. what the heck. he should WALK on a WALK. haha

saturday. a blurr of a day.

I'm sitting here Sunday night desperately trying to remember Saturday! haha, it's funny sometimes how hard it is to remember just yesterday.
Breakfast: 1c wheat bran, 6 egg whites, 1/2 a large cantaloupe, 6 oz. regular plain yogurt,1T cashew butter.
so i tried to go to an exercise class at the gym. it had been sooo long since i tried to go on a Saturday because of work that i didn't realize the class i was going to doesn't exist anymore. therefore, i took it as a sign that my body needed rest. i went and got the bald tire on my car replaced instead (i failed my inspection because of it). so in retrospect it is a good thing that there was no class.
Snack: i made a little larger snack than usual. i had 1 veg burger, 1 pita, spinach, mustard, pickle, zucchini.

my mom and brother and i went into Boston later on. there was insane traffic going in. it took about 2 hours. (it should have only taken about 50 min-1hr). we walked all around. it was fun. we went through haymarket sq. and i snacked on a red pepper, a large (about the size of a baseball) brussel sprout. one of the people selling produce let me just have it. it was pretty good. i also had a segment of a grapefruit. it was hard to be just wort of grazing all day. i thought we would be going out to lunch in boston. but we ended up going out for dinner. i think i just need more of a plan in advance. i ended up missing a snack. oh well.
Dinner was NASTY!!!!!!!!!!! gross. and the waiter was insane. he was trying to talk my mom and i out of the dishes we wanted to order. we only left a $0.30 tip. lol. i ended up ordering chicken with mushrooms. it ended up being a giant plate of nasty chicken with about 1 mushroom! but of course i hadn't really eaten a full meal since my snack at 11:00 so iu ate the whole thing.

i felt pretty nasty the rest of the night and into the AM. it was very hard mentally to get over. i would have much rather eaten a nice hardy PB, Banana, Jam, and yogurt!!!! oh well, next time. but my theory is you have to try new places. you will never find good places if you aren't willing to try something new. i bought a tea from Starbucks to try and settle my stomach.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Confessions of a tangled mind

hay everyone i got a good idea (or what i think will be a good idea). i'm starting the Confessions of a tangled mind.
everyone, this is where you can say anything. you can ask for feedback or just get it out there. i am here to listen or to help. sometimes it jsut feels good to say it!!! please try this is feels good. however big or small it may be just say it. i'll start

"I have actually eaten food in a grocery store, not paid for it, during an uncontrolled eating session. i feel awful about it. i hope to never experience those days again."

There that is the first confession. now let it out!!
"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift and not presenting it"

professional massage!!

so i got a professional massage this afternoon!!!! amazing. i was passed out on the table! i wish i would afford to get them more often that every 6 months.

tonight for dinner we made quesadillas at 6:30. i used: 2 pitas, 2 morningstar farms grillers, 1 oz feta cheese, spinach, mushroom, 2 plumb tomatoes, 6 oz regular plain yogurt, and garlic pepper. it was yummy. (sorry everyone my camera is at my house) the blog looks empty without pictures!!!!!

big food racap.

here is a recap of food:
L: 6 oz. yogurt, 3.5 oz chicken, 2c cucumber, lemon juice, about 1c baked potatoes, 1 oz feta cheese.

S: 1 bag microwave popcorn (individual bag), 1/4c cottage cheese, butter and salt of popcorn

D: 1c cottage cheese (it was going bad i had to use it all), 1 oz feta cheese, about 1c baked potatoes, 2c celery, lemon juice, garlic (roasted in toaster oven)

B: 7:30: 1 english muffin, 6 oz yogurt, 1T PB, 1T butter, 1 Lg. Peach, 2 sm. Nectarines, 1 veg burger, cinnamon, 1 "moo magic" milk mix"

S: in the car on the way to the cabin. 10:45: 1c mixed (wild from picking the the woods) blueberries and blackberries, 1/4 c cottage cheese. i also licked the spoon from the cashew butter that i was packing for camping. ops.

L: at the cabin camraless. 1:30: 2 Quorn chicken cutlets, 6 oz greek yogurt, 2c mixed spinach and zucchini, 2 pitas, 1 oz feta, lemon juice.

S: 4:30: 1 oz feta cheese, 1 peach

D: 6:30: i ear corn with butter and salt, 2 veg burgers, 2c mixed cukeumber and spinach, 6 oz yogurt with lemon juice

FRIDAY: (a difficult food day, almost slipped a couple of times and jsut felt discontent) "I DON'T HAVE TO HURT ME ANYMORE!!!!"

B: 7:45: 1 pkg maple brn sugar oatmeal, 1 T cashew butter, 6 oz greek yogurt, 2 peaches, 1 moo magic milk mix

S: 11:20: 1 Quorn chicken cutlet with butter, 1/2 banana, 2 celery sticks with mustard (came very close to getting off track. something was pulling me to eat more. i did actually eat one cracker from in the cabin then stopped myself from going down a road i didn't want to be on!!!! thank God! it was scary though. i need to be careful.

L: in the car: 12:30: 2 slices bread, 2 T maple Almond butter, 1 Lg. Banana, 2 T jelly, about 1c celery, 6 oz greek yogurt, after that i felt a like munching i don't know if it was because i had just eaten a very hard food (PB and Banana sandwich) i haven't eaten one of these is years without binging. oh man. it was really yummy. but a little too yummy it really reminded me of binging. scary. i had a lot of tests this week. i don't know why i do this to myself. the ice cream was very emotional. and the sandwich was also. i'm really too tired to be messing with myself. but if you know my personality you would understand that i push myself and i am always looking for a challenge. i just don't want to give myself too much too soon and end up relapsing!!!
so afterward i had a package of the apple cinnamon cookies that i bought the other week. they are amazing. i need to get some more. they are a dessert, but they taste good, and they are good for you. and i am comfortable with them, which is really rare with dessert foods for me.

big catch up

ok so I've been pretty vacant as far as blogging goes. i'm back though!! i went camping at my parents cabin with my dad.
the doctors went well i guess. she didn't really say much at all! which is frustrating, but she gave me a note excusing me from work indefinitely. i'm sorry that it has taken me so long to realize that work has been a toxic environment for me. but at least i have that realization now. i heard something today: life is like juggling. most people can handle 3 balls fine, its when you throw that 4th ball in their that everything falls apart. i was trying to juggle way too much at one time. (a new house, a troubled relationship, a new puppy, work,my ED). i have just noticed SUCH an improvement in myself the past couple of days it is astronomical! its funny because with as much rest as i have gotten. coming down from this and surrendering is absolutely exhausting!!!!! i have been ready for bed at 9. and taking naps during the day. (i have NEVER been a napper). i just feel like i'm finally getting on track!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

ok so i'm in a really big rush this AM because i have to get out the door to the doctors. and the truth is i could spend hours blogging lol. this am i made sort of french toast. it was more like french on toast. i used 5 egg whites, 1 whole egg, 1/2c wheat bran, 2 Moo Magic milk mixes, vanilla extract, cinnamon, 1c sliced strawberries, 1 peach, all on top of 1 slice arnolds WW toast with butter. YUMMMMMMY!

i also made my mom an omilate for b-fast. she really enjoyed it. it had 3 cheese in it. : )

i did something really therapeutic this am. i went for a sort of run. more like a trot. barely running quite slowly. it was 99% for my brain 1% for my heart. it felt amazing, empowering, i overcame a big obstacle for myself this summer. running for me this summer has been a road block. a mental brick wall holding me back. i conquered the pavement. i need to keep doing this. it is good for my head and i happen to be signed up for a 1/2 marathon in CT in oct. so i'd better get ready!!!!
i really want to go into the feelings of this run more. you just can't imagine how good about myself i feel having conquered that road block in my mind. it had gotten really bad. i would almost get anygry when i heard about other people, such as my mom and brother going for runs, but i jsut coudn't bring myself to go for one.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

tonight for dinner (at 6:45) i had. 2 Quorn chicken cutlets, 1c Edamame (soy beans), 6 oz yogurt, 2c zucchini, butter, lemon juice, mrs dash, salt on the Edamame. their was really nothing to put the butter on besides the chicken. i really didn't need it and couldn't even taste it, but i needed 2 fats with this meal and thats all i could think of to go with it. also, i had a late snack so i wasn't terribly hungry for dinner. it felt a little like stuffing. funny, because it was my idea to go out for ice cream after dinner. i think i just wanted the challenge!!! haha silly kasondra. if only you knew me. i am always torturing myself and challenging myself. why can't i just give myself peace?

this is a picture of the ice cream that i got- after i already started eating it. i almost forgot to take the picture. there are 2 spoons because 1 was leftover from the sample of another flavor that i asked for. such a little bowl of mush causing so much discontent in my mind...


ok so today FLEW by! two major challenges tonight. one: i tried getting into a pool. (i really haven't been able to do this since the bad experience swimming in college, the feel of the pool deck and smell of chlorine just makes me really uncomfortable). i got into the pool fine. but i only lasted about 5 minutes, ahah. two: we went out for ice cream after dinner tonight. it was my idea. but quite stressful!! i felt a lot of emotion coming up while eating it. it took at lot to try and find joy from the ice cream. the only time ice cream has entered my body in the past...a little over a year, has been before or during a binge. it just brings back really strong emotion, which i have a really really difficulty time experiencing and expressing. it also brings back strong memories from binging. i remember binging strongly when i eat foods that i would binge on. graham crackers, Lorna Doons, PB, fluff, and granola are my most difficult foods.
I'm glad that i challenged myself today. but i think 2 things in one day was too much too soon. i'm feeling very overwhelmed. i am also unbelievably short with my family (the people i love most in this world. and my dog). i have a lot of guilt about what my family has gone through in the past year and a half with me. i really would like to get a better handle on expressing my feelings and emotions to that i can be nicer to them. they really put up a lot with me. i don't want them to have to. i want them to want to be around me and have good things to say about me. (i'm not saying that they don't) i have just been beating myself up about what a short-tempered bitch i have been to everyone that i care about and what a facade of joy i can be around the people i interact with day-to-day. i feel like i am rambling and loosing track of where i am going with all of this.
snack today came soooooo quick after lunch. i really wasn't hungry yet. but i had to eat it. i had pretty much the same thing as earlier. 1/2 pita that i split in half (leaving me with quarters). in one 1/2 i put 1/4 c mixed tuna and cottage cheese with Mrs. Dash. in the other 1/2 i had 1/2 c sliced strawberries with jam and cinnamon. i toasted both quarters in the toaster oven. so delicious!!!

i just added a new link on my page. purushayoga this is my aunt's site. check it out there is a lot to offer.

Hunger Scale

10 - Stuffed
You are so full you feel nauseous.

9 - Very uncomfortably full
You need to loosen your clothes.

8 - Uncomfortably full
You feel bloated.

7 - Full
A little bit uncomfortable.

6 - Perfectly comfortable
You feel satisfied.

5 - Comfortable
You’re neither hungry nor full.

4 - Slightly uncomfortable
You’re just beginning to feel hungry.

3 - Uncomfortable
Your stomach is rumbling.

2 - Very uncomfortable
You feel irritable & unable to concentrate.

1 - Weak and light headed
You stomach acid is churning.

here is my favorite version of the hunger scale. give it a try. you may be surprised as to how your stomach fools you.
after my snack at 11:00 my mom and i went for a short walk and picked some wild Blackberries! we found sooo many. of course i snitched a couple! YUMMY!

For lunch at 2:00 i had 4 meat, 2 starch, 2 veg, 2 fat, 1 milk.
6 oz yogurt with lemon juice in it (i used this a a dipping sauce for my vegetables and sandwich), leftover chicken from last night about 4 oz worth, 2c sliced zucchini, 2 slices of Arnold's Double fiber bread (really good, i had never had it before). about 1/2 cup garlic pickled in olive oil (i counted the olive oil as my 2 fats).

so my aunt called. She lives in San Fran. (she is amazing) she is everything (yoga teacher, yoga teacher instructor, nutritionist, personal trainer, idk. maybe she should write in a tell about her services!!!!)
but she was saying how much she loves the blog. i'm really excited that she likes it.

i'm trying to add more spiritual/ emotional aspects to the blog. bare with me while i get it up and running. it is really time consuming.
i went to a class at the gym from 8:30 to 9:30 i was rushing breakfast a little to get there in time! i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad that i went. i hadn't been to a class in a really long time but i had an amazing time!!! i feel so good now.
Snack at 10:45 was 1 starch, 1 meat. i had 1 pita split in 1/2. i toasted it. in one half i put jelly and a sprinkle of cinnamon. in the other 1/2 i had 1/4 c mixed tuna and cottage cheese i sprinkled some Mrs. Dash on it. together the tastes didn't really go but they were both delicious so i just ate one then the other. who cares if they didn't go together!
so for breakfast this AM at 7:40ish. i had 1 milk, 2 meat, 2 starch, 2 fruit, 1 fat.
6 oz yogurt, 6 egg whites, 1 1/4 c wheat bran (i just guessed on what 2 servings worth of starch wheat bran would be), 1c sliced strawberries with one peach, 1/2 Tablespoon cashew butter.
so my camera battery is dead i'm really sorry for no pic
so my nutritionist (RD) appointment went really well. i go some strong emotions out during it. scary. but she came up with a food plan for me that i am comfortable with (she said it was a little under calories, however, i really wasn't comfortable with her adding more yet. for some reason it was really really overwhelming. so here is my current plan:
B: 2 meat, 1 milk, 2 starch, 2 fruit, 1 fat
S: 1 fruit or starch, 1 meat
L: 3-4 meat, 1 milk, 2 starch, 2 veg, 2 fat
S: 1 fruit or starch, 1 meat
D: 4 meat, 1 milk, 2 starch, 2 veg, 2 fat
One dessert daily, anytime

is had been pretty comfortable so far. she is trying to diminish my bloated feeling from stuffing myself with low cal foods like vegetables then in turn binging. she is beefing up my consumption of higher density foods so that i am not nutritionally deprived and so that i can learn to be satisfied on less quantity and more quality.

so it figures my first day on the program and my camera ran out of battery! i would have loved to take pictures of my food. it was gorgeous, magazine ready!!!!! haha

i'll do my best to describe it to you, but really the picture is work 1,000 words. also i'm really excited because i went to a class at the gym today. i felt amazing during and after, i can really feel myself getting back on track. i didn't go into work today. it's funny, i counted in me head how much money i would make. i decided it really wasn't worth it!!! i need my head to be in a good place right now. i need to fight this ED and overcome the depression. i can already see major improvements. it is very hard for me to let myself feel bad. i have the attitude that their is always someone out their who is worse off than you. in turn i feel bad admitting that i am having a difficult time because i know it could be worse and i should appreciate what i have. i just need to surrender. surrendering has been the most difficult part. admitting was easy. now that i have surrendered i realize how exhausted i am. it feels really good to be on track for recovery. i am sort of thinking of my life as if it were a treatment program. (i have actually been in a treatment center once about 10 months ago. i felt like a prisoner! so i designed my own at home treatment program. i am using all my resources. Both my parents are Yoga instructors. my mom has a nutrition background in health and wellness and was a midwife and is currently an occupational therapist. my father helps me practice mindfulness. my mom is willing to explore me feelings with me and complete workbooks. (in between my consoling sessions) i really think this is going to work. intensive at home treatment until my school job starts (occupational therapist in an elementary school. i love it : ))

Monday, August 11, 2008


at 7:45 i had my breakfast, after about 1.5 hours of chewing a spitting crap!!!!
i think my body was fooled because of the chewing a spitting . once i finally did "Eat" my body just wasn't satisfied. so i had 2 yogurts- the gross kind with artificial sweeteners and HFCS. cheerios, gram crackers, cheez-it's, a package of oatmeal, popcorn,

i made a huge banana split with a jar of PB, chocolate scauce, sprinkles, grham crackers, than i had ANOTHER!!!! i had 2 large banana splits (the entire container of vanilia ice cream)
(i hate that their is so much available food to binge on at my summer job)

i had some lorna doons too. oh man. and a key lime pie lar bar

i felt soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disgusting. i had so much anger!!! i wouldn't even think straight. i went for a little walk to try and cool down. i also called my mom and that helped me to work through some feelings.
i discovered a lot about myself. i will delve into it in another post.
on the way home i stopped at whole foods and got these individual almond butter packs. this should help me to regulate the amount that i eat.

i also bought a jar a cashew butter , i just need to get away from the PB taste , i have binged on it way tooo many times. i figured that i would play around with some different nut butters and have some better success getting the healthy fats in!before leaving work i had another larbar and most of the lunch i had packed (at about 2:00) i just wanted to get myself right back on track as soon a possible no matter how full i was or how much i was beating myself up!!!!! [the salad consisted of 1/2 can tuna 1/2 c cottage cheese, lots of veggies, and that champagne pear dressing with goat cheese] (sorry i don't have a pic.)

late that evening i went to a graduation party. i was a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had not seen these people in about 2 years. i looked like shit, i felt like shit, and i was insulted (someone bluntly asked me if i would be graduating from high school soon and wanted to know if i was doing any lifeguarding for a summer job. she couldn't believe that i was a therapist. she told me that i looked like a young teenager!!! why do these people say these things out loud!!!! i had some fruit salad at the grad party.i went home that night and fell asleep on the couch at about 6:00 and slept until 7:40 the next AM.

anyways, my mom is waiting for me to develop a wellness plan for me (which i think is a excellent idea)!!! oh and my mom had a great idea (P.S. i have been staying with my parents through this crisis). i will prepare both of our foods. because i always say "I know how to eat" "I would have no problem feeding someone else" "why do i have so much trouble feeding myself!!!!!" so her idea is that i prepare both of our meals and it will help me in turn with my own eating. i think it may help.

so for breakfast this AM (08.11.08) at 8:30
i made 1c wheat bran, 4 plumbs, a handful of blueberries, 6 oz greek yogurt, with a spoonful of my net cashew butter stirred in! it was really good. but hard to put food in my stomach after being so mean to myself yesterday!

for my mom i made yogurt mixed with applesauce, handful of blueberries, walnuts, and a slice of cornbread (she had about 1/2 of the slice). i must say i really did enjoy making breakfast for her as well.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

this AM i woke up at 5:30 took Jack outside. He went pee what a good boy!!!!!! i'm so excited about pee : )
Before leaving for work at 5:45 i had some leftover stirfry from lastnight. and a cup of tea for the car. i hope sniching from the Ref. doesn't get my day off to the wrong start!
I hope everyone has an enjoyable AM! P.S. my Abs are sore from the race yesterday! man oh man.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

hello : ) i took a quick break from watching the Olympics at my parents house (sine i have not bought TV for my house, even though i have a sweet flat screen).
for dinner my mom and i made a huge stir fry. i also had some grape leaves and 1/2 can tuna. i forgot to take the picture of my plate, instead i just photographed the leftovers.

and here is my baby "Jackson" being really cute!

i went for a walk in the orchard near my parents house today and got some of the dropped fruit to being home. i also ate 2 peaches and 2 plumbs, sooooo sweet!!!! i think more ate me than i ate. the bugs were so terrible!!!!

i'm taking this as a tag from Thanks!!!

Here are the rules:

1. Link back to the person that tagged you.
2. Mention the rules on your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 fellow bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment for each tagged blogger, to let them know they have been tagged.

1: fish freak me out!

2: I've been a vegetarian since conception, but lately i have been experimenting with meat.

3: I hate driving in cars

4: I get really really really cranky when i don't et enough sleep or fall into a rut of not exercising.

5: I love my family (mom, dad, brother) unconditionally. I am so blessed to have them!!!!!

6: i have always wanted to be on the show "What not to wear"

Just for Fun

Here is another just for fun. if you could be any profession in the world (disregard education, cost to become certified, salary, all the legalities of obtaining the profession and if it would be lucrative enough to live off - WHAT WOULD YOU BE?

this is a very very tough question! i think i would be a personal shopper for people (for home items and food), decorate their home, buy their groceries, develop an organizational system for their house! - i would pretty much be a personal nutritionist/interior organizer and decorator.
I don't know- that is my answer for today at least!
so last night when i got to my house i ended up eating a scary snack before bed. it didn't go too far, but almost.
i had 1/2 jar of pickled garlic (pickled in olive oil). about 3c strawberries. 1 pita. i bag of World of Grains apple cinnamon cookies. i package (two teething biscuits). 1/4 jar of PB, 1/4 jar of jelly. it was 9:30 at night. i felt a little bad afterward but just figured i would sleep it off.
this AM i wanted to sleep until 6:45. however i was up at 5:30, ugh. i took the dog out. then i started to feel hungry. my stomach was feeling a bit queezy, and diarrhea. so i had some leftovers (in retrospect this was a very very poor decision. too bad i can't go back in time and make the right decision) all i can do is learn for the future. THIS AM TURNED INTO A BINGE: (

about 3/4c pumpkin, 4 pita's, 5 bananas, i jar PB, i jar SF jelly, about 4c strawberries (not all shown) 3 packages of apple cinnamon cookies, and 2 Ak-Mak crackers.

i was late getting to my parents house to go to the race!
i felt absolutely awful during the race. i had soooooo much peace in my mind during it though just being in the woods. (i was in a horrible amount of pain, and i was pretty angry with myself. - my first night alone in my house - testing myself to be alone, and i blow it. - WHY?................ the walking really really really helped my stomach to digest though. i mean it hurt a lot. but at the end (2h 20min). i really felt accomplished, happy, at peace, and my stomach pain was subsiding. i really thought i was going to throw up on the walk. unintentionally . i am so proud of myself for not throwing up!!! you have no idea how badly i wanted to press the rewind/delete button, but the truth is there isn't one. what i may think of as one at the time only makes matters worse!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am ready to be nice to myself. all i have is the here and now, all i can improve on is the present.
the past is only a bunch of present moments chained together, and the future is a bunch of present moments yet to come. if you work to improve the present, your past and future will inevitably be enjoyable and memorable.
i think i learned a lot from being at home alone. i know i have said this before. but i really can't just eat standing at the counter with open containers, no end in sight. i must get a portion and sit down with it. then be done after that amount!
I CAN do this. and i WILL do this. i am too darn stubborn and determined. take for instance today. there is no way i should have been able to do that race period (let alone after a binge, and the worst week ever). however i ended up trotting, not running, but slightly trotting some of it. and i made it all 11.5 miles!!!!!!!!!! you have no idea how proud of myself i am. i think this was some of the motivation i needed to get back into the exercise routine!
i have this little rule of thumb that i would really like to be better about following. my stomach should never feel so full that it would be physically uncomfortable to lightly jog A.K.A. trot. not go out for a big run. but not throw up the second you start to bounce a little. this goes for liquid. sometimes i drink way to much liquid at one time. this too is bad and makes you get reflux.
anyways i'm going to shower now and watch the olympics.

P.S. Give answering the "Just for fun" questions a shot. it will be fun to compare everyone's answers.

Friday, August 8, 2008

HAPPY 08.08.08 : )
i had to work again today (i felt blessed that my mom also had to work with me). for breakfast, at 7:00, i had 6 oz Trader Joe's low fat plain yogurt. 1c wheat bran, 2c blueberries, 1 Moo Magic Milk mix. cinnamon and stivia.

Snack was at 9:59 haha, i was pretty hungry 10:00 couldn't come fast enough! 1/2 c cottage cheese with wheat bran. carrots and zucchini.
i got out of work early today. my mom and i went to the mall because she had a free panty coupon at Victoria's Secret. we also went to my favorite store! they have a lot of free tea samples. so much fun!we are the lunches that we packed at the mall. i made 1/2 can tuna, 1/2 c black beans, about 1 oz-1.5oz black soy bean pasta, raw zucchini, carrot, spinach, soy sauce, 1 T parm. cheese
for my second snack i had a large bag of carrots, about 6 mushrooms, a large peach, 1/2 c cottage cheese with wheat bran. (sorry no picture)

next, i took Jack for a nice long walk!!! it felt sooo good to get out but he was really tired. i was practically dragging him, lol.
i went to my parents house for dinner tonight and to watch the Olympics!!!! i have been looking forward to this for so long! (this is my brother making his pizza) we made homemade pizza's.
i wanted to try something different. i used the dressing that i bought yesterday (champagne and pear from trader joes) and had a large salad. then i spread the dressing onto crust as my sauce and made a tuna, feta, mushroom, broccoli, onion pizza, and dipped it in more dressing!!!!!! it was absolutely delicious.

this is my salad

my pizza

dessert was a large bowl of blueberries and strawberries with about 1/2 c yogurt, cinnamon, and a cup of tea
I'm off to watch the Olympics now! i have a 10 mile running race in the AM. i will be WALKING since i haven't run all summer. lets see how far i make it.