big food racap.

here is a recap of food:
WEDNESDAY:
L: 6 oz. yogurt, 3.5 oz chicken, 2c cucumber, lemon juice, about 1c baked potatoes, 1 oz feta cheese.


S: 1 bag microwave popcorn (individual bag), 1/4c cottage cheese, butter and salt of popcorn

D: 1c cottage cheese (it was going bad i had to use it all), 1 oz feta cheese, about 1c baked potatoes, 2c celery, lemon juice, garlic (roasted in toaster oven)

THURSDAY:
B: 7:30: 1 english muffin, 6 oz yogurt, 1T PB, 1T butter, 1 Lg. Peach, 2 sm. Nectarines, 1 veg burger, cinnamon, 1 "moo magic" milk mix"

S: in the car on the way to the cabin. 10:45: 1c mixed (wild from picking the the woods) blueberries and blackberries, 1/4 c cottage cheese. i also licked the spoon from the cashew butter that i was packing for camping. ops.

L: at the cabin camraless. 1:30: 2 Quorn chicken cutlets, 6 oz greek yogurt, 2c mixed spinach and zucchini, 2 pitas, 1 oz feta, lemon juice.

S: 4:30: 1 oz feta cheese, 1 peach

D: 6:30: i ear corn with butter and salt, 2 veg burgers, 2c mixed cukeumber and spinach, 6 oz yogurt with lemon juice


FRIDAY: (a difficult food day, almost slipped a couple of times and jsut felt discontent) "I DON'T HAVE TO HURT ME ANYMORE!!!!"

B: 7:45: 1 pkg maple brn sugar oatmeal, 1 T cashew butter, 6 oz greek yogurt, 2 peaches, 1 moo magic milk mix

S: 11:20: 1 Quorn chicken cutlet with butter, 1/2 banana, 2 celery sticks with mustard (came very close to getting off track. something was pulling me to eat more. i did actually eat one cracker from in the cabin then stopped myself from going down a road i didn't want to be on!!!! thank God! it was scary though. i need to be careful.

L: in the car: 12:30: 2 slices bread, 2 T maple Almond butter, 1 Lg. Banana, 2 T jelly, about 1c celery, 6 oz greek yogurt, after that i felt a like munching i don't know if it was because i had just eaten a very hard food (PB and Banana sandwich) i haven't eaten one of these is years without binging. oh man. it was really yummy. but a little too yummy it really reminded me of binging. scary. i had a lot of tests this week. i don't know why i do this to myself. the ice cream was very emotional. and the sandwich was also. i'm really too tired to be messing with myself. but if you know my personality you would understand that i push myself and i am always looking for a challenge. i just don't want to give myself too much too soon and end up relapsing!!!
so afterward i had a package of the apple cinnamon cookies that i bought the other week. they are amazing. i need to get some more. they are a dessert, but they taste good, and they are good for you. and i am comfortable with them, which is really rare with dessert foods for me.

ok so i'm in a really big rush this AM because i have to get out the door to the doctors. and the truth is i could spend hours blogging lol. this am i made sort of french toast. it was more like french on toast. i used 5 egg whites, 1 whole egg, 1/2c wheat bran, 2 Moo Magic milk mixes, vanilla extract, cinnamon, 1c sliced strawberries, 1 peach, all on top of 1 slice arnolds WW toast with butter. YUMMMMMMY!

i also made my mom an omilate for b-fast. she really enjoyed it. it had 3 cheese in it. : )

i did something really therapeutic this am. i went for a sort of run. more like a trot. barely running quite slowly. it was 99% for my brain 1% for my heart. it felt amazing, empowering, i overcame a big obstacle for myself this summer. running for me this summer has been a road block. a mental brick wall holding me back. i conquered the pavement. i need to keep doing this. it is good for my head and i happen to be signed up for a 1/2 marathon in CT in oct. so i'd better get ready!!!!
i really want to go into the feelings of this run more. you just can't imagine how good about myself i feel having conquered that road block in my mind. it had gotten really bad. i would almost get anygry when i heard about other people, such as my mom and brother going for runs, but i jsut coudn't bring myself to go for one.

challenges

ok so today FLEW by! two major challenges tonight. one: i tried getting into a pool. (i really haven't been able to do this since the bad experience swimming in college, the feel of the pool deck and smell of chlorine just makes me really uncomfortable). i got into the pool fine. but i only lasted about 5 minutes, ahah. two: we went out for ice cream after dinner tonight. it was my idea. but quite stressful!! i felt a lot of emotion coming up while eating it. it took at lot to try and find joy from the ice cream. the only time ice cream has entered my body in the past...a little over a year, has been before or during a binge. it just brings back really strong emotion, which i have a really really difficulty time experiencing and expressing. it also brings back strong memories from binging. i remember binging strongly when i eat foods that i would binge on. graham crackers, Lorna Doons, PB, fluff, and granola are my most difficult foods.
I'm glad that i challenged myself today. but i think 2 things in one day was too much too soon. i'm feeling very overwhelmed. i am also unbelievably short with my family (the people i love most in this world. and my dog). i have a lot of guilt about what my family has gone through in the past year and a half with me. i really would like to get a better handle on expressing my feelings and emotions to that i can be nicer to them. they really put up a lot with me. i don't want them to have to. i want them to want to be around me and have good things to say about me. (i'm not saying that they don't) i have just been beating myself up about what a short-tempered bitch i have been to everyone that i care about and what a facade of joy i can be around the people i interact with day-to-day. i feel like i am rambling and loosing track of where i am going with all of this.