Monday, August 18, 2008


today i did a mindfulness exercise with my mom called heart breathing. she talked me through it. the exercise was to get your hear and lungs on the same page. to be thinking of them as working in unison. i laid still for 10 minutes with my hands on my chest feeling my chest rise and fall with each breath as i felt my heart beat. without even trying this exercise relaxed me, and gave me peace. it also gave me an overcoming urge to treat my body with compassion. this is the only body i will get. they exercise reminded me of the delicate workings of my composition and how its livelihood is in the hands of myself.
before engaging in the exercise i became slightly anxious with the idea of sitting still for 10 minutes. i didn't think i could quiet my body for 10 whole minutes. i thought it would last an eternity! however i was pleasantly surprised with the outcome. i actually laid for 11 and 1/2 minutes! (if you knew me you would know that it is almost impossible to get me still and doing nothing. i am the queen multi-tasker and i like to be busy). this exercise is something i would like to visit again. also, i am excited to challenge my previous anxiety towards exercises such as this one and try some new ones. my goal is to complete one daily.

unstatisfying first glance

dinner was a bit tricky at 6:15 6:30ish. i had a very large salad with 1/2 can tuna. 6 oz plain regular yogurt. about 5 T parm. Cheese, garlic slices. afterward i jsut really didn't feel satisfied. i don't know if it was my ED mind. (i guess i didn't have a starch with the meal. i really need to just stick to the meal plan right now. until i have a couple weeks under my belt of regulated eating!) i don't want to be playing with fire!!!!

so when i was finished with my salad i made a sandwich with a large red pear, about 2 T Cashew butter, and i pita. it was the best combination ever! i think my earlier meal was lacking substancial nutrience for some reason. but i keep questioning it because 1/2 can tuna and 6 oz (not reduced fat yogurt) and 5 T cheese should be filling.
one thing i have learned that no matter how much you eat from a certain food group your belly just won't feel satisfied if you don't give it the right mix of food groups. - don't get me wrong i was very full after the meal. it was a large portion, however, it wasn't satisfying. (the only comparison i can make is guzzling a large amount of liquid on an empty stomach and feeling filled up but not nourished. anyways lesson learned. i will be making sure that my meals are a little more well rounded from the beginning from now on! and i will definitely be making the sandwich combo again!

a hot day

today was pretty hot!!! i have had a great day so far though. my mom is sick and she slept over my place last night so that i could take care of her. i had a blast playing "Mommy."

Breakfast at 7:30 was 4 egg whites, 1 english muffin sliced in 3 pieces, soy nut butter, jam, butter, abut 2 1/3 c watermelon, 6 ox plain regular yogurt, i moo magic milk mix.

i went to a step and tone class at the gym. it was a lot of fun but it wasn't symmetrical. i hope i'm not unevenly sore.
for a snack at 10:20 i had a slice of bread with butter. a large banana microwaved with butter and jelly, 1 tofu hot dog, and a package of biscuts (2)

(butter on bread not pictured)

for lunch i had a delicious combo. 2 tortillias, about 3/4c salsa, zucchini, i slice cheese, 2 veg burgers, a lot of garlic!!

i forgot to take a picture of my snack this afternoon at my parents house. i had at 5:00 one banana, about 1/2c yogurt, a couple mushrooms with mustard and a pickle.

i bought Jack a harness today so that he can't slip his collar anymore!!! i hope it works : ) my fingers are crossed!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

sunday, bloody sunday.

today was one week binge free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY. well almost. well i'm still calling it binge free. today when i left my parents house to go home (8:45) i started eating right when i got home. i had 2 bananas, some butter, (i know bananas and butter is weird but i like it), about 3 T PB, about 4 T Jelly, and about 1 1/2 c strawberries. then i said NO! i don't want to be going down this road. it is one week for me, and I'm putting a stop to it. i don't know why i am eating. i don't need to know why right this second (or ever for that matter) i just need to stop. recognice that i had breakfast an hour ago and should be all set. i'm so proud of myself for stopping at a reasonable time.
i got out of the house and went to an easy 45 minute step class at the gym. it was nice to get out and do something. my mind wasn't at ease though from the proceeding events. i was just playing it over and over through my mind, "I can't believe i went home and just ate and ate." "how would i let myself do that." i'm working on diminishing the self torture. : )

before all that for breakfast i made my family imitation IHOP harvest grain and nut pancakes. they went over quite well. i was in need of a "comfortable" food for breakfast after the horror last night. i had 3/4 cantaloupe, 1c wheat bran, 4 egg whites, cinnamon, 2x moo magic milk mixes. and 3/4 c vanilla yogurt- i was quite upset about this . it was in the same container as the plain. i though it was plain. i don't like eating flavored yogurt because of the VERY HIGH sugar content. i needed to take a couple deep breaths when i discovered it was vanilla. then i convinced myself that it is only flavored yogurt and it isn't that bad. no one ever died from eating flavored yogurt haha.
anyways, i asked my mom to meet me at my house at 10:30 after the class. i didn't want to be alone too long. i really want to ensure my success and not give myself more than i can handle at one time. i think this is what needs to be done. I'm through playing with fire! also, i am unbelievably blessed to have a family who is so supportive. a mother who will be there for me whenever i need her providing me with unconditional love, listening, and support. so my mom and i spent the say reclaiming the house!!! yay (since my BF moved out). i finally get to claim my own space. it feels so good to clean and unclutter!!!!!!!!!!!
oh by the way i counted that little episode at 9:00 as my mid AM snack. (although it was a little big for my snack) it all worked out.
i made a nice lunch for my mom and i at 12:30 and we ate around 1
i made: 2 servings Morningstar farms crumbles, 1/3 c plain regular yogurt, zucchini, cheddar cheese (i slice), about 6 oz potatoes.

i stir fryed my mom's potatoes and zucchini in a pan with some peanut stir fry sauce. she said it was yummy. i can deal with eating the peanut sauce myself. i just need to get away from the specific peanut taste for a while (too much binging) i have been having fun experimenting with other nut butters though. this is a picture of my mom's lunch. : )

snack time came around and i made a couple wasa crackers with honey soynut butter and jam. i almost forgot to take the picture. i had one left when i remembered. i also snacked on a couple of mushrooms with spray butter and 2 pickles.
i invited my entire family over for dinner tonight. i wanted to say thank you for helping me though the week. they really were amazing and the dinner doesn't even come close to saying thank you enough. here is the picture. ( my portion was 2oz soy bean pasta, zucchini, tomato scauce, 1 slice cheese, 2 tomato basil veg burgers. a lot of garlic) - feel like i'm forgetting something..... oh well here is the picture:

oh and my dad bought me some sunflowers and watermelon!!!!! he is sooo sweet. : ) have an awesome night everyone. i know i will.

by the way my dog is insane. i took him for a walk and let me tell you i know what an ox plowing a field feels like. i DRAGGED him the entire way. what the heck. he should WALK on a WALK. haha

saturday. a blurr of a day.

I'm sitting here Sunday night desperately trying to remember Saturday! haha, it's funny sometimes how hard it is to remember just yesterday.
Breakfast: 1c wheat bran, 6 egg whites, 1/2 a large cantaloupe, 6 oz. regular plain yogurt,1T cashew butter.
so i tried to go to an exercise class at the gym. it had been sooo long since i tried to go on a Saturday because of work that i didn't realize the class i was going to doesn't exist anymore. therefore, i took it as a sign that my body needed rest. i went and got the bald tire on my car replaced instead (i failed my inspection because of it). so in retrospect it is a good thing that there was no class.
Snack: i made a little larger snack than usual. i had 1 veg burger, 1 pita, spinach, mustard, pickle, zucchini.

my mom and brother and i went into Boston later on. there was insane traffic going in. it took about 2 hours. (it should have only taken about 50 min-1hr). we walked all around. it was fun. we went through haymarket sq. and i snacked on a red pepper, a large (about the size of a baseball) brussel sprout. one of the people selling produce let me just have it. it was pretty good. i also had a segment of a grapefruit. it was hard to be just wort of grazing all day. i thought we would be going out to lunch in boston. but we ended up going out for dinner. i think i just need more of a plan in advance. i ended up missing a snack. oh well.
Dinner was NASTY!!!!!!!!!!! gross. and the waiter was insane. he was trying to talk my mom and i out of the dishes we wanted to order. we only left a $0.30 tip. lol. i ended up ordering chicken with mushrooms. it ended up being a giant plate of nasty chicken with about 1 mushroom! but of course i hadn't really eaten a full meal since my snack at 11:00 so iu ate the whole thing.

i felt pretty nasty the rest of the night and into the AM. it was very hard mentally to get over. i would have much rather eaten a nice hardy PB, Banana, Jam, and yogurt!!!! oh well, next time. but my theory is you have to try new places. you will never find good places if you aren't willing to try something new. i bought a tea from Starbucks to try and settle my stomach.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Confessions of a tangled mind

hay everyone i got a good idea (or what i think will be a good idea). i'm starting the Confessions of a tangled mind.
everyone, this is where you can say anything. you can ask for feedback or just get it out there. i am here to listen or to help. sometimes it jsut feels good to say it!!! please try this is feels good. however big or small it may be just say it. i'll start

"I have actually eaten food in a grocery store, not paid for it, during an uncontrolled eating session. i feel awful about it. i hope to never experience those days again."

There that is the first confession. now let it out!!
"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a gift and not presenting it"

professional massage!!

so i got a professional massage this afternoon!!!! amazing. i was passed out on the table! i wish i would afford to get them more often that every 6 months.

tonight for dinner we made quesadillas at 6:30. i used: 2 pitas, 2 morningstar farms grillers, 1 oz feta cheese, spinach, mushroom, 2 plumb tomatoes, 6 oz regular plain yogurt, and garlic pepper. it was yummy. (sorry everyone my camera is at my house) the blog looks empty without pictures!!!!!

big food racap.

here is a recap of food:
L: 6 oz. yogurt, 3.5 oz chicken, 2c cucumber, lemon juice, about 1c baked potatoes, 1 oz feta cheese.

S: 1 bag microwave popcorn (individual bag), 1/4c cottage cheese, butter and salt of popcorn

D: 1c cottage cheese (it was going bad i had to use it all), 1 oz feta cheese, about 1c baked potatoes, 2c celery, lemon juice, garlic (roasted in toaster oven)

B: 7:30: 1 english muffin, 6 oz yogurt, 1T PB, 1T butter, 1 Lg. Peach, 2 sm. Nectarines, 1 veg burger, cinnamon, 1 "moo magic" milk mix"

S: in the car on the way to the cabin. 10:45: 1c mixed (wild from picking the the woods) blueberries and blackberries, 1/4 c cottage cheese. i also licked the spoon from the cashew butter that i was packing for camping. ops.

L: at the cabin camraless. 1:30: 2 Quorn chicken cutlets, 6 oz greek yogurt, 2c mixed spinach and zucchini, 2 pitas, 1 oz feta, lemon juice.

S: 4:30: 1 oz feta cheese, 1 peach

D: 6:30: i ear corn with butter and salt, 2 veg burgers, 2c mixed cukeumber and spinach, 6 oz yogurt with lemon juice

FRIDAY: (a difficult food day, almost slipped a couple of times and jsut felt discontent) "I DON'T HAVE TO HURT ME ANYMORE!!!!"

B: 7:45: 1 pkg maple brn sugar oatmeal, 1 T cashew butter, 6 oz greek yogurt, 2 peaches, 1 moo magic milk mix

S: 11:20: 1 Quorn chicken cutlet with butter, 1/2 banana, 2 celery sticks with mustard (came very close to getting off track. something was pulling me to eat more. i did actually eat one cracker from in the cabin then stopped myself from going down a road i didn't want to be on!!!! thank God! it was scary though. i need to be careful.

L: in the car: 12:30: 2 slices bread, 2 T maple Almond butter, 1 Lg. Banana, 2 T jelly, about 1c celery, 6 oz greek yogurt, after that i felt a like munching i don't know if it was because i had just eaten a very hard food (PB and Banana sandwich) i haven't eaten one of these is years without binging. oh man. it was really yummy. but a little too yummy it really reminded me of binging. scary. i had a lot of tests this week. i don't know why i do this to myself. the ice cream was very emotional. and the sandwich was also. i'm really too tired to be messing with myself. but if you know my personality you would understand that i push myself and i am always looking for a challenge. i just don't want to give myself too much too soon and end up relapsing!!!
so afterward i had a package of the apple cinnamon cookies that i bought the other week. they are amazing. i need to get some more. they are a dessert, but they taste good, and they are good for you. and i am comfortable with them, which is really rare with dessert foods for me.

big catch up

ok so I've been pretty vacant as far as blogging goes. i'm back though!! i went camping at my parents cabin with my dad.
the doctors went well i guess. she didn't really say much at all! which is frustrating, but she gave me a note excusing me from work indefinitely. i'm sorry that it has taken me so long to realize that work has been a toxic environment for me. but at least i have that realization now. i heard something today: life is like juggling. most people can handle 3 balls fine, its when you throw that 4th ball in their that everything falls apart. i was trying to juggle way too much at one time. (a new house, a troubled relationship, a new puppy, work,my ED). i have just noticed SUCH an improvement in myself the past couple of days it is astronomical! its funny because with as much rest as i have gotten. coming down from this and surrendering is absolutely exhausting!!!!! i have been ready for bed at 9. and taking naps during the day. (i have NEVER been a napper). i just feel like i'm finally getting on track!