sunday, bloody sunday.

today was one week binge free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY. well almost. well i'm still calling it binge free. today when i left my parents house to go home (8:45) i started eating right when i got home. i had 2 bananas, some butter, (i know bananas and butter is weird but i like it), about 3 T PB, about 4 T Jelly, and about 1 1/2 c strawberries. then i said NO! i don't want to be going down this road. it is one week for me, and I'm putting a stop to it. i don't know why i am eating. i don't need to know why right this second (or ever for that matter) i just need to stop. recognice that i had breakfast an hour ago and should be all set. i'm so proud of myself for stopping at a reasonable time.
i got out of the house and went to an easy 45 minute step class at the gym. it was nice to get out and do something. my mind wasn't at ease though from the proceeding events. i was just playing it over and over through my mind, "I can't believe i went home and just ate and ate." "how would i let myself do that." i'm working on diminishing the self torture. : )

before all that for breakfast i made my family imitation IHOP harvest grain and nut pancakes. they went over quite well. i was in need of a "comfortable" food for breakfast after the horror last night. i had 3/4 cantaloupe, 1c wheat bran, 4 egg whites, cinnamon, 2x moo magic milk mixes. and 3/4 c vanilla yogurt- i was quite upset about this . it was in the same container as the plain. i though it was plain. i don't like eating flavored yogurt because of the VERY HIGH sugar content. i needed to take a couple deep breaths when i discovered it was vanilla. then i convinced myself that it is only flavored yogurt and it isn't that bad. no one ever died from eating flavored yogurt haha.
anyways, i asked my mom to meet me at my house at 10:30 after the class. i didn't want to be alone too long. i really want to ensure my success and not give myself more than i can handle at one time. i think this is what needs to be done. I'm through playing with fire! also, i am unbelievably blessed to have a family who is so supportive. a mother who will be there for me whenever i need her providing me with unconditional love, listening, and support. so my mom and i spent the say reclaiming the house!!! yay (since my BF moved out). i finally get to claim my own space. it feels so good to clean and unclutter!!!!!!!!!!!
oh by the way i counted that little episode at 9:00 as my mid AM snack. (although it was a little big for my snack) it all worked out.
i made a nice lunch for my mom and i at 12:30 and we ate around 1
i made: 2 servings Morningstar farms crumbles, 1/3 c plain regular yogurt, zucchini, cheddar cheese (i slice), about 6 oz potatoes.

i stir fryed my mom's potatoes and zucchini in a pan with some peanut stir fry sauce. she said it was yummy. i can deal with eating the peanut sauce myself. i just need to get away from the specific peanut taste for a while (too much binging) i have been having fun experimenting with other nut butters though. this is a picture of my mom's lunch. : )

snack time came around and i made a couple wasa crackers with honey soynut butter and jam. i almost forgot to take the picture. i had one left when i remembered. i also snacked on a couple of mushrooms with spray butter and 2 pickles.
i invited my entire family over for dinner tonight. i wanted to say thank you for helping me though the week. they really were amazing and the dinner doesn't even come close to saying thank you enough. here is the picture. ( my portion was 2oz soy bean pasta, zucchini, tomato scauce, 1 slice cheese, 2 tomato basil veg burgers. a lot of garlic) - feel like i'm forgetting something..... oh well here is the picture:

oh and my dad bought me some sunflowers and watermelon!!!!! he is sooo sweet. : ) have an awesome night everyone. i know i will.

by the way my dog is insane. i took him for a walk and let me tell you i know what an ox plowing a field feels like. i DRAGGED him the entire way. what the heck. he should WALK on a WALK. haha

uggggh!

at 7:45 i had my breakfast, after about 1.5 hours of chewing a spitting crap!!!!
i think my body was fooled because of the chewing a spitting . once i finally did "Eat" my body just wasn't satisfied. so i had 2 yogurts- the gross kind with artificial sweeteners and HFCS. cheerios, gram crackers, cheez-it's, a package of oatmeal, popcorn,


i made a huge banana split with a jar of PB, chocolate scauce, sprinkles, grham crackers, than i had ANOTHER!!!! i had 2 large banana splits (the entire container of vanilia ice cream)
(i hate that their is so much available food to binge on at my summer job)

i had some lorna doons too. oh man. and a key lime pie lar bar


i felt soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disgusting. i had so much anger!!! i wouldn't even think straight. i went for a little walk to try and cool down. i also called my mom and that helped me to work through some feelings.
i discovered a lot about myself. i will delve into it in another post.
on the way home i stopped at whole foods and got these individual almond butter packs. this should help me to regulate the amount that i eat.


i also bought a jar a cashew butter , i just need to get away from the PB taste , i have binged on it way tooo many times. i figured that i would play around with some different nut butters and have some better success getting the healthy fats in!before leaving work i had another larbar and most of the lunch i had packed (at about 2:00) i just wanted to get myself right back on track as soon a possible no matter how full i was or how much i was beating myself up!!!!! [the salad consisted of 1/2 can tuna 1/2 c cottage cheese, lots of veggies, and that champagne pear dressing with goat cheese] (sorry i don't have a pic.)


late that evening i went to a graduation party. i was a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had not seen these people in about 2 years. i looked like shit, i felt like shit, and i was insulted (someone bluntly asked me if i would be graduating from high school soon and wanted to know if i was doing any lifeguarding for a summer job. she couldn't believe that i was a therapist. she told me that i looked like a young teenager!!! why do these people say these things out loud!!!! i had some fruit salad at the grad party.i went home that night and fell asleep on the couch at about 6:00 and slept until 7:40 the next AM.


anyways, my mom is waiting for me to develop a wellness plan for me (which i think is a excellent idea)!!! oh and my mom had a great idea (P.S. i have been staying with my parents through this crisis). i will prepare both of our foods. because i always say "I know how to eat" "I would have no problem feeding someone else" "why do i have so much trouble feeding myself!!!!!" so her idea is that i prepare both of our meals and it will help me in turn with my own eating. i think it may help.


so for breakfast this AM (08.11.08) at 8:30
i made 1c wheat bran, 4 plumbs, a handful of blueberries, 6 oz greek yogurt, with a spoonful of my net cashew butter stirred in! it was really good. but hard to put food in my stomach after being so mean to myself yesterday!

for my mom i made yogurt mixed with applesauce, handful of blueberries, walnuts, and a slice of cornbread (she had about 1/2 of the slice). i must say i really did enjoy making breakfast for her as well.

so last night when i got to my house i ended up eating a scary snack before bed. it didn't go too far, but almost.
i had 1/2 jar of pickled garlic (pickled in olive oil). about 3c strawberries. 1 pita. i bag of World of Grains apple cinnamon cookies. i package (two teething biscuits). 1/4 jar of PB, 1/4 jar of jelly. it was 9:30 at night. i felt a little bad afterward but just figured i would sleep it off.
this AM i wanted to sleep until 6:45. however i was up at 5:30, ugh. i took the dog out. then i started to feel hungry. my stomach was feeling a bit queezy, and diarrhea. so i had some leftovers (in retrospect this was a very very poor decision. too bad i can't go back in time and make the right decision) all i can do is learn for the future. THIS AM TURNED INTO A BINGE: (

about 3/4c pumpkin, 4 pita's, 5 bananas, i jar PB, i jar SF jelly, about 4c strawberries (not all shown) 3 packages of apple cinnamon cookies, and 2 Ak-Mak crackers.

i was late getting to my parents house to go to the race!
i felt absolutely awful during the race. i had soooooo much peace in my mind during it though just being in the woods. (i was in a horrible amount of pain, and i was pretty angry with myself. - my first night alone in my house - testing myself to be alone, and i blow it. - WHY?................ the walking really really really helped my stomach to digest though. i mean it hurt a lot. but at the end (2h 20min). i really felt accomplished, happy, at peace, and my stomach pain was subsiding. i really thought i was going to throw up on the walk. unintentionally . i am so proud of myself for not throwing up!!! you have no idea how badly i wanted to press the rewind/delete button, but the truth is there isn't one. what i may think of as one at the time only makes matters worse!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am ready to be nice to myself. all i have is the here and now, all i can improve on is the present.
the past is only a bunch of present moments chained together, and the future is a bunch of present moments yet to come. if you work to improve the present, your past and future will inevitably be enjoyable and memorable.
i think i learned a lot from being at home alone. i know i have said this before. but i really can't just eat standing at the counter with open containers, no end in sight. i must get a portion and sit down with it. then be done after that amount!
I CAN do this. and i WILL do this. i am too darn stubborn and determined. take for instance today. there is no way i should have been able to do that race period (let alone after a binge, and the worst week ever). however i ended up trotting, not running, but slightly trotting some of it. and i made it all 11.5 miles!!!!!!!!!! you have no idea how proud of myself i am. i think this was some of the motivation i needed to get back into the exercise routine!
i have this little rule of thumb that i would really like to be better about following. my stomach should never feel so full that it would be physically uncomfortable to lightly jog A.K.A. trot. not go out for a big run. but not throw up the second you start to bounce a little. this goes for liquid. sometimes i drink way to much liquid at one time. this too is bad and makes you get reflux.
anyways i'm going to shower now and watch the olympics.


P.S. Give answering the "Just for fun" questions a shot. it will be fun to compare everyone's answers.

Hello everyone! ok so today has probably been one of the worst days for me ever! most likely my ROCK BOTTOM. (i really hate saying that though because i feel like someone always has it worse off than i do) i have a hard time admitting to myself that it is ok to feel bad some days and need to rest, and make mistakes! i am SOOOO hard on myself. i hate that i cannot forgive myself!
this morning i woke up, took the dog outside (for him to decide not to pee - but to pee once we got back into the house haha) i decided (at 7:10) to start my breakfast off with a nectarine. then i wanted to dip it in some yogurt - so i measured out one cup full. then i decided i needed a grain and fat so i poured a cup of wheat bran and a large spoonful of white chocolate PB. it was all going fine and dandy until i decided to have a banana too, then another with more PB then some crackers with PB and Jelly. then i wanted another flavor of PB. i ended up eating 2 jars. a box of crackers. 5 packages of nature Vally granola bars. about 25 orios. 1/2 bag of soy chips. a jar of jelly. 1/2 container of yogurt. a million cinnamon almonds. 6 slices of toast with butter. i don't even remember what else. but i decided to purge : ( i'm so mad at myself) i can't believe i let myself go back to doing that. (i could list off a million reasons why i or anyone shouldn't be doing that) but i did. and I'm having trouble forgiving myself for it. it is funny though. i didn't let myself binge on my nice foods, expensive foods (ex. Greek yogurt, new apple cinnamon cookies). i decided NO. the only reason i stopped eating was because i ran out of stuff to eat. i am happy to say not that i have no more food in the house to binge on. or that i would bother binging on. i really need to develop an action plan for myself though. it is hard because i know how to eat. i could council anyone on how to eat healthfully. but with myself i just can't seem to do it correctly. i turn to food as my only coping method.
so my mom came over after work at about 1:45 and we are going to try to develop an action plan- if i can think rationally. argh! i keep letting myself over eat because i know i am slightly underweight and use it as an excuse. or a quick fix to be back to normal. the only way i can be back to normal would be to distress myself. my body goes into crazy mode when i am stressed and my body just eats itself. i loose my muscle and look like shit (even though i don't change anything about what i am eating) i also haven't really been exercising lately. i did go to the gym Monday night and it felt AMAZING!!! i need to make more time to go. anyways I'll stop rambling now. i hope you all have a nice day.

I had dinner at my parents house (but we all kind of made our own thing than ate together). I made "sushi." I used 1 whole zuchini, 6 egg whites, 1c wheat bran, soy sauce, seaweed wraps, grape leaves. i cooked the mix in a frying pan then wrapped the mix in the seaweed and grape leaves. very very delicious!!! after dinner i had some ice cream (haven't had ice cream in forever-unless i was binging on it) i really wanted to just enjoy some in a "normal" reasonable quantity. (it didn't go quite how i had planned). i ended up eating most of the 1/2 gallon. I had Edy's Slow Churned chocolate chip - even though i don't like chocolate chips. i tried to pick around them. i ended up eating most of them anyways because it is impossible to pick around them. I don't know why i couldn't stop, i just kept going back for more. oh well i will use this as a learning experience. so for dessert i ate 90% of a half gallon Chocolate Chip ice cream. i can only improve for next time and not get down on myself in the process. : )
P.S. this isn't the ice cream that i ate - but i forgot to take a picture in my haste and compulsion.