unstatisfying dinner....at first glance

dinner was a bit tricky at 6:15 6:30ish. i had a very large salad with 1/2 can tuna. 6 oz plain regular yogurt. about 5 T parm. Cheese, garlic slices. afterward i jsut really didn't feel satisfied. i don't know if it was my ED mind. (i guess i didn't have a starch with the meal. i really need to just stick to the meal plan right now. until i have a couple weeks under my belt of regulated eating!) i don't want to be playing with fire!!!!

so when i was finished with my salad i made a sandwich with a large red pear, about 2 T Cashew butter, and i pita. it was the best combination ever! i think my earlier meal was lacking substancial nutrience for some reason. but i keep questioning it because 1/2 can tuna and 6 oz (not reduced fat yogurt) and 5 T cheese should be filling.
one thing i have learned that no matter how much you eat from a certain food group your belly just won't feel satisfied if you don't give it the right mix of food groups. - don't get me wrong i was very full after the meal. it was a large portion, however, it wasn't satisfying. (the only comparison i can make is guzzling a large amount of liquid on an empty stomach and feeling filled up but not nourished. anyways lesson learned. i will be making sure that my meals are a little more well rounded from the beginning from now on! and i will definitely be making the sandwich combo again!

sunday, bloody sunday.

today was one week binge free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY. well almost. well i'm still calling it binge free. today when i left my parents house to go home (8:45) i started eating right when i got home. i had 2 bananas, some butter, (i know bananas and butter is weird but i like it), about 3 T PB, about 4 T Jelly, and about 1 1/2 c strawberries. then i said NO! i don't want to be going down this road. it is one week for me, and I'm putting a stop to it. i don't know why i am eating. i don't need to know why right this second (or ever for that matter) i just need to stop. recognice that i had breakfast an hour ago and should be all set. i'm so proud of myself for stopping at a reasonable time.
i got out of the house and went to an easy 45 minute step class at the gym. it was nice to get out and do something. my mind wasn't at ease though from the proceeding events. i was just playing it over and over through my mind, "I can't believe i went home and just ate and ate." "how would i let myself do that." i'm working on diminishing the self torture. : )

before all that for breakfast i made my family imitation IHOP harvest grain and nut pancakes. they went over quite well. i was in need of a "comfortable" food for breakfast after the horror last night. i had 3/4 cantaloupe, 1c wheat bran, 4 egg whites, cinnamon, 2x moo magic milk mixes. and 3/4 c vanilla yogurt- i was quite upset about this . it was in the same container as the plain. i though it was plain. i don't like eating flavored yogurt because of the VERY HIGH sugar content. i needed to take a couple deep breaths when i discovered it was vanilla. then i convinced myself that it is only flavored yogurt and it isn't that bad. no one ever died from eating flavored yogurt haha.
anyways, i asked my mom to meet me at my house at 10:30 after the class. i didn't want to be alone too long. i really want to ensure my success and not give myself more than i can handle at one time. i think this is what needs to be done. I'm through playing with fire! also, i am unbelievably blessed to have a family who is so supportive. a mother who will be there for me whenever i need her providing me with unconditional love, listening, and support. so my mom and i spent the say reclaiming the house!!! yay (since my BF moved out). i finally get to claim my own space. it feels so good to clean and unclutter!!!!!!!!!!!
oh by the way i counted that little episode at 9:00 as my mid AM snack. (although it was a little big for my snack) it all worked out.
i made a nice lunch for my mom and i at 12:30 and we ate around 1
i made: 2 servings Morningstar farms crumbles, 1/3 c plain regular yogurt, zucchini, cheddar cheese (i slice), about 6 oz potatoes.

i stir fryed my mom's potatoes and zucchini in a pan with some peanut stir fry sauce. she said it was yummy. i can deal with eating the peanut sauce myself. i just need to get away from the specific peanut taste for a while (too much binging) i have been having fun experimenting with other nut butters though. this is a picture of my mom's lunch. : )

snack time came around and i made a couple wasa crackers with honey soynut butter and jam. i almost forgot to take the picture. i had one left when i remembered. i also snacked on a couple of mushrooms with spray butter and 2 pickles.
i invited my entire family over for dinner tonight. i wanted to say thank you for helping me though the week. they really were amazing and the dinner doesn't even come close to saying thank you enough. here is the picture. ( my portion was 2oz soy bean pasta, zucchini, tomato scauce, 1 slice cheese, 2 tomato basil veg burgers. a lot of garlic) - feel like i'm forgetting something..... oh well here is the picture:

oh and my dad bought me some sunflowers and watermelon!!!!! he is sooo sweet. : ) have an awesome night everyone. i know i will.

by the way my dog is insane. i took him for a walk and let me tell you i know what an ox plowing a field feels like. i DRAGGED him the entire way. what the heck. he should WALK on a WALK. haha

saturday. a blurr of a day.

I'm sitting here Sunday night desperately trying to remember Saturday! haha, it's funny sometimes how hard it is to remember just yesterday.
Breakfast: 1c wheat bran, 6 egg whites, 1/2 a large cantaloupe, 6 oz. regular plain yogurt,1T cashew butter.
so i tried to go to an exercise class at the gym. it had been sooo long since i tried to go on a Saturday because of work that i didn't realize the class i was going to doesn't exist anymore. therefore, i took it as a sign that my body needed rest. i went and got the bald tire on my car replaced instead (i failed my inspection because of it). so in retrospect it is a good thing that there was no class.
Snack: i made a little larger snack than usual. i had 1 veg burger, 1 pita, spinach, mustard, pickle, zucchini.

my mom and brother and i went into Boston later on. there was insane traffic going in. it took about 2 hours. (it should have only taken about 50 min-1hr). we walked all around. it was fun. we went through haymarket sq. and i snacked on a red pepper, a large (about the size of a baseball) brussel sprout. one of the people selling produce let me just have it. it was pretty good. i also had a segment of a grapefruit. it was hard to be just wort of grazing all day. i thought we would be going out to lunch in boston. but we ended up going out for dinner. i think i just need more of a plan in advance. i ended up missing a snack. oh well.
Dinner was NASTY!!!!!!!!!!! gross. and the waiter was insane. he was trying to talk my mom and i out of the dishes we wanted to order. we only left a $0.30 tip. lol. i ended up ordering chicken with mushrooms. it ended up being a giant plate of nasty chicken with about 1 mushroom! but of course i hadn't really eaten a full meal since my snack at 11:00 so iu ate the whole thing.

i felt pretty nasty the rest of the night and into the AM. it was very hard mentally to get over. i would have much rather eaten a nice hardy PB, Banana, Jam, and yogurt!!!! oh well, next time. but my theory is you have to try new places. you will never find good places if you aren't willing to try something new. i bought a tea from Starbucks to try and settle my stomach.

professional massage!!

so i got a professional massage this afternoon!!!! amazing. i was passed out on the table! i wish i would afford to get them more often that every 6 months.

tonight for dinner we made quesadillas at 6:30. i used: 2 pitas, 2 morningstar farms grillers, 1 oz feta cheese, spinach, mushroom, 2 plumb tomatoes, 6 oz regular plain yogurt, and garlic pepper. it was yummy. (sorry everyone my camera is at my house) the blog looks empty without pictures!!!!!

big food racap.

here is a recap of food:
WEDNESDAY:
L: 6 oz. yogurt, 3.5 oz chicken, 2c cucumber, lemon juice, about 1c baked potatoes, 1 oz feta cheese.


S: 1 bag microwave popcorn (individual bag), 1/4c cottage cheese, butter and salt of popcorn

D: 1c cottage cheese (it was going bad i had to use it all), 1 oz feta cheese, about 1c baked potatoes, 2c celery, lemon juice, garlic (roasted in toaster oven)

THURSDAY:
B: 7:30: 1 english muffin, 6 oz yogurt, 1T PB, 1T butter, 1 Lg. Peach, 2 sm. Nectarines, 1 veg burger, cinnamon, 1 "moo magic" milk mix"

S: in the car on the way to the cabin. 10:45: 1c mixed (wild from picking the the woods) blueberries and blackberries, 1/4 c cottage cheese. i also licked the spoon from the cashew butter that i was packing for camping. ops.

L: at the cabin camraless. 1:30: 2 Quorn chicken cutlets, 6 oz greek yogurt, 2c mixed spinach and zucchini, 2 pitas, 1 oz feta, lemon juice.

S: 4:30: 1 oz feta cheese, 1 peach

D: 6:30: i ear corn with butter and salt, 2 veg burgers, 2c mixed cukeumber and spinach, 6 oz yogurt with lemon juice


FRIDAY: (a difficult food day, almost slipped a couple of times and jsut felt discontent) "I DON'T HAVE TO HURT ME ANYMORE!!!!"

B: 7:45: 1 pkg maple brn sugar oatmeal, 1 T cashew butter, 6 oz greek yogurt, 2 peaches, 1 moo magic milk mix

S: 11:20: 1 Quorn chicken cutlet with butter, 1/2 banana, 2 celery sticks with mustard (came very close to getting off track. something was pulling me to eat more. i did actually eat one cracker from in the cabin then stopped myself from going down a road i didn't want to be on!!!! thank God! it was scary though. i need to be careful.

L: in the car: 12:30: 2 slices bread, 2 T maple Almond butter, 1 Lg. Banana, 2 T jelly, about 1c celery, 6 oz greek yogurt, after that i felt a like munching i don't know if it was because i had just eaten a very hard food (PB and Banana sandwich) i haven't eaten one of these is years without binging. oh man. it was really yummy. but a little too yummy it really reminded me of binging. scary. i had a lot of tests this week. i don't know why i do this to myself. the ice cream was very emotional. and the sandwich was also. i'm really too tired to be messing with myself. but if you know my personality you would understand that i push myself and i am always looking for a challenge. i just don't want to give myself too much too soon and end up relapsing!!!
so afterward i had a package of the apple cinnamon cookies that i bought the other week. they are amazing. i need to get some more. they are a dessert, but they taste good, and they are good for you. and i am comfortable with them, which is really rare with dessert foods for me.

tonight for dinner (at 6:45) i had. 2 Quorn chicken cutlets, 1c Edamame (soy beans), 6 oz yogurt, 2c zucchini, butter, lemon juice, mrs dash, salt on the Edamame. their was really nothing to put the butter on besides the chicken. i really didn't need it and couldn't even taste it, but i needed 2 fats with this meal and thats all i could think of to go with it. also, i had a late snack so i wasn't terribly hungry for dinner. it felt a little like stuffing. funny, because it was my idea to go out for ice cream after dinner. i think i just wanted the challenge!!! haha silly kasondra. if only you knew me. i am always torturing myself and challenging myself. why can't i just give myself peace?

this is a picture of the ice cream that i got- after i already started eating it. i almost forgot to take the picture. there are 2 spoons because 1 was leftover from the sample of another flavor that i asked for. such a little bowl of mush causing so much discontent in my mind...

uggggh!

at 7:45 i had my breakfast, after about 1.5 hours of chewing a spitting crap!!!!
i think my body was fooled because of the chewing a spitting . once i finally did "Eat" my body just wasn't satisfied. so i had 2 yogurts- the gross kind with artificial sweeteners and HFCS. cheerios, gram crackers, cheez-it's, a package of oatmeal, popcorn,


i made a huge banana split with a jar of PB, chocolate scauce, sprinkles, grham crackers, than i had ANOTHER!!!! i had 2 large banana splits (the entire container of vanilia ice cream)
(i hate that their is so much available food to binge on at my summer job)

i had some lorna doons too. oh man. and a key lime pie lar bar


i felt soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disgusting. i had so much anger!!! i wouldn't even think straight. i went for a little walk to try and cool down. i also called my mom and that helped me to work through some feelings.
i discovered a lot about myself. i will delve into it in another post.
on the way home i stopped at whole foods and got these individual almond butter packs. this should help me to regulate the amount that i eat.


i also bought a jar a cashew butter , i just need to get away from the PB taste , i have binged on it way tooo many times. i figured that i would play around with some different nut butters and have some better success getting the healthy fats in!before leaving work i had another larbar and most of the lunch i had packed (at about 2:00) i just wanted to get myself right back on track as soon a possible no matter how full i was or how much i was beating myself up!!!!! [the salad consisted of 1/2 can tuna 1/2 c cottage cheese, lots of veggies, and that champagne pear dressing with goat cheese] (sorry i don't have a pic.)


late that evening i went to a graduation party. i was a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had not seen these people in about 2 years. i looked like shit, i felt like shit, and i was insulted (someone bluntly asked me if i would be graduating from high school soon and wanted to know if i was doing any lifeguarding for a summer job. she couldn't believe that i was a therapist. she told me that i looked like a young teenager!!! why do these people say these things out loud!!!! i had some fruit salad at the grad party.i went home that night and fell asleep on the couch at about 6:00 and slept until 7:40 the next AM.


anyways, my mom is waiting for me to develop a wellness plan for me (which i think is a excellent idea)!!! oh and my mom had a great idea (P.S. i have been staying with my parents through this crisis). i will prepare both of our foods. because i always say "I know how to eat" "I would have no problem feeding someone else" "why do i have so much trouble feeding myself!!!!!" so her idea is that i prepare both of our meals and it will help me in turn with my own eating. i think it may help.


so for breakfast this AM (08.11.08) at 8:30
i made 1c wheat bran, 4 plumbs, a handful of blueberries, 6 oz greek yogurt, with a spoonful of my net cashew butter stirred in! it was really good. but hard to put food in my stomach after being so mean to myself yesterday!

for my mom i made yogurt mixed with applesauce, handful of blueberries, walnuts, and a slice of cornbread (she had about 1/2 of the slice). i must say i really did enjoy making breakfast for her as well.

hello : ) i took a quick break from watching the Olympics at my parents house (sine i have not bought TV for my house, even though i have a sweet flat screen).
for dinner my mom and i made a huge stir fry. i also had some grape leaves and 1/2 can tuna. i forgot to take the picture of my plate, instead i just photographed the leftovers.

and here is my baby "Jackson" being really cute!

HAPPY 08.08.08 : )
i had to work again today (i felt blessed that my mom also had to work with me). for breakfast, at 7:00, i had 6 oz Trader Joe's low fat plain yogurt. 1c wheat bran, 2c blueberries, 1 Moo Magic Milk mix. cinnamon and stivia.

Snack was at 9:59 haha, i was pretty hungry 10:00 couldn't come fast enough! 1/2 c cottage cheese with wheat bran. carrots and zucchini.
i got out of work early today. my mom and i went to the mall because she had a free panty coupon at Victoria's Secret. we also went to my favorite store! they have a lot of free tea samples. so much fun!we are the lunches that we packed at the mall. i made 1/2 can tuna, 1/2 c black beans, about 1 oz-1.5oz black soy bean pasta, raw zucchini, carrot, spinach, soy sauce, 1 T parm. cheese
for my second snack i had a large bag of carrots, about 6 mushrooms, a large peach, 1/2 c cottage cheese with wheat bran. (sorry no picture)


next, i took Jack for a nice long walk!!! it felt sooo good to get out but he was really tired. i was practically dragging him, lol.
i went to my parents house for dinner tonight and to watch the Olympics!!!! i have been looking forward to this for so long! (this is my brother making his pizza) we made homemade pizza's.
i wanted to try something different. i used the dressing that i bought yesterday (champagne and pear from trader joes) and had a large salad. then i spread the dressing onto crust as my sauce and made a tuna, feta, mushroom, broccoli, onion pizza, and dipped it in more dressing!!!!!! it was absolutely delicious.


this is my salad


my pizza


dessert was a large bowl of blueberries and strawberries with about 1/2 c yogurt, cinnamon, and a cup of tea
I'm off to watch the Olympics now! i have a 10 mile running race in the AM. i will be WALKING since i haven't run all summer. lets see how far i make it.

I had to work this AM at the nursing home (as an occupational therapist). it was nice today though because my mom was also working there. we got to spend a little quality time together. and yes i did end up following in my mother's footsteps, haha but oh well.
i was exhausted this AM. i could jsut not get going. at 7:00 i had 6oz greek yogurt, one moo magic milk mix, 14 oz blueberries with waaaaayyyy too much cinnamon. oops., 1 cup of wheat bran and some stivia all mixed together!
at 10:15 i had a bag consisting of one large green pepper, some carrots, and some cottage cheese. i also had a baby lime. it was from a fruit basket at work. it was really good. and so cute. i ate it like an apple.
snack today was a very nice destressor break! i just went into the break room and didn't let anything disturb me.

lunch i had at 12:15. i went outside with my mom and one other coworker. it was funny because it was rainy all day, except for lunch. lunch was sunny. it was such a blessing. it definitely made me smile.
my lunch today was so much fun to eat. i know i know i seem to be getting into a rut. you will never guess what i had......1c egg whites, zuchini, broccoli, black bean pasta, soy scauce, all rolled up in grape leaves (that i steamed). when i got inside after lunch i grabbed a peach from the fruit bowl that someone brought in. it was so juicy. i has so much fun eating it. it definitely wasn't date food!!! i had it dripping down my elbows!!! my mom was making fun of me and i think my co-worker was jsut weirded out! (sorry i go all the way outside for luch and had forgot my camera. i didn't feel like going back in to get it.)

after my consoling appointment this afternoon my mom and i went to trader joes quickly. they had the most delicious sample of pear dressing. it was so good that i had to buy some!! i also got some feta cheese and ak-mak crackers.
consoling this afternoon was sooo good. i'm really excited about this guy. this was only my second time going to him. he also does hypnosis. he did the most amazing relaxation at the end, i was pretty much a zombie! he is really getting me to think about my feelings. i have a lot of trouble experiencing uncomfortable feelings and i doesn't really know hoe to let them out.

anyways for dinner we made Mexican. it was just my mom and i. i had 1 spinach tortilla with 1/2 can tuna. parm cheese. i can dices tomatoes with garlic, 1 green pepper, grated carrot, fresh spinach. i think that is all. i love Mexican! ohhhh i tried to put some salsa on it. however the salsa was VERRY rotten!!!!! i always go to my parents house to find the rotten food! why....ALWAYS haha
and this is a picture of my new 7 month old puppy Jackson!!!! and my mother's arm. : )


and while blogging tonight - and bronzing at other people's blogs - i sipped on a cup of sleepytime tea with 1 Splenda (i know i shouldn't be having artificial sweeteners, but it is really good and i try to limit myself.)

so i made myself get back on track tonight for dinner. Right before dinner i bought a camera at WalMart. (i was using my dads camera before and he needed it back - so i splurged). so i enjoyed last nights dinner so much i made it again. i didn't take a picture because my camera was charging and it looked the same as last night. the only difference was that we ran out of seaweed wraps (darn!!!) i really want to get some more. so i just used grape leaves picked fresh from outside!!! yum.
it is always so hard to get back on track with the next meal. I'm glad that tomorrow is a new day. i read some inspirational quotes tonight and they really got me ready for success. success is all in how you look at it! : ) have a really night night everyone. and i just wanted to say THANK YOU for your support and interest in me and my blog. it means soooooo much!!

I had dinner at my parents house (but we all kind of made our own thing than ate together). I made "sushi." I used 1 whole zuchini, 6 egg whites, 1c wheat bran, soy sauce, seaweed wraps, grape leaves. i cooked the mix in a frying pan then wrapped the mix in the seaweed and grape leaves. very very delicious!!! after dinner i had some ice cream (haven't had ice cream in forever-unless i was binging on it) i really wanted to just enjoy some in a "normal" reasonable quantity. (it didn't go quite how i had planned). i ended up eating most of the 1/2 gallon. I had Edy's Slow Churned chocolate chip - even though i don't like chocolate chips. i tried to pick around them. i ended up eating most of them anyways because it is impossible to pick around them. I don't know why i couldn't stop, i just kept going back for more. oh well i will use this as a learning experience. so for dessert i ate 90% of a half gallon Chocolate Chip ice cream. i can only improve for next time and not get down on myself in the process. : )
P.S. this isn't the ice cream that i ate - but i forgot to take a picture in my haste and compulsion.