ok so today FLEW by! two major challenges tonight. one: i tried getting into a pool. (i really haven't been able to do this since the bad experience swimming in college, the feel of the pool deck and smell of chlorine just makes me really uncomfortable). i got into the pool fine. but i only lasted about 5 minutes, ahah. two: we went out for ice cream after dinner tonight. it was my idea. but quite stressful!! i felt a lot of emotion coming up while eating it. it took at lot to try and find joy from the ice cream. the only time ice cream has entered my body in the past...a little over a year, has been before or during a binge. it just brings back really strong emotion, which i have a really really difficulty time experiencing and expressing. it also brings back strong memories from binging. i remember binging strongly when i eat foods that i would binge on. graham crackers, Lorna Doons, PB, fluff, and granola are my most difficult foods.
I'm glad that i challenged myself today. but i think 2 things in one day was too much too soon. i'm feeling very overwhelmed. i am also unbelievably short with my family (the people i love most in this world. and my dog). i have a lot of guilt about what my family has gone through in the past year and a half with me. i really would like to get a better handle on expressing my feelings and emotions to that i can be nicer to them. they really put up a lot with me. i don't want them to have to. i want them to want to be around me and have good things to say about me. (i'm not saying that they don't) i have just been beating myself up about what a short-tempered bitch i have been to everyone that i care about and what a facade of joy i can be around the people i interact with day-to-day. i feel like i am rambling and loosing track of where i am going with all of this.