Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Hello everyone! ok so today has probably been one of the worst days for me ever! most likely my ROCK BOTTOM. (i really hate saying that though because i feel like someone always has it worse off than i do) i have a hard time admitting to myself that it is ok to feel bad some days and need to rest, and make mistakes! i am SOOOO hard on myself. i hate that i cannot forgive myself!
this morning i woke up, took the dog outside (for him to decide not to pee - but to pee once we got back into the house haha) i decided (at 7:10) to start my breakfast off with a nectarine. then i wanted to dip it in some yogurt - so i measured out one cup full. then i decided i needed a grain and fat so i poured a cup of wheat bran and a large spoonful of white chocolate PB. it was all going fine and dandy until i decided to have a banana too, then another with more PB then some crackers with PB and Jelly. then i wanted another flavor of PB. i ended up eating 2 jars. a box of crackers. 5 packages of nature Vally granola bars. about 25 orios. 1/2 bag of soy chips. a jar of jelly. 1/2 container of yogurt. a million cinnamon almonds. 6 slices of toast with butter. i don't even remember what else. but i decided to purge : ( i'm so mad at myself) i can't believe i let myself go back to doing that. (i could list off a million reasons why i or anyone shouldn't be doing that) but i did. and I'm having trouble forgiving myself for it. it is funny though. i didn't let myself binge on my nice foods, expensive foods (ex. Greek yogurt, new apple cinnamon cookies). i decided NO. the only reason i stopped eating was because i ran out of stuff to eat. i am happy to say not that i have no more food in the house to binge on. or that i would bother binging on. i really need to develop an action plan for myself though. it is hard because i know how to eat. i could council anyone on how to eat healthfully. but with myself i just can't seem to do it correctly. i turn to food as my only coping method.
so my mom came over after work at about 1:45 and we are going to try to develop an action plan- if i can think rationally. argh! i keep letting myself over eat because i know i am slightly underweight and use it as an excuse. or a quick fix to be back to normal. the only way i can be back to normal would be to distress myself. my body goes into crazy mode when i am stressed and my body just eats itself. i loose my muscle and look like shit (even though i don't change anything about what i am eating) i also haven't really been exercising lately. i did go to the gym Monday night and it felt AMAZING!!! i need to make more time to go. anyways I'll stop rambling now. i hope you all have a nice day.


Anonymous said...

Well I just wanted to offer my support! I noticed that you mentioned going to see a nutritionist- is it an RD? I too have struggled with binge eating, although no purging. Going to a registered dietician has helped so much. She helped make a plan for me to follow. The focus in to not be dieting or restricting and not over eating.

She also doesn't want me to weigh/measure things unless it is to get an idea of portion size.

My plan is as follows-

Breakfast within 1 hour of waking up- approximately one cup of cereal with 1/2 cup milk. I can have any cereal with more than 5g fiber per serving. Or have whole wheat english muffin or toast.

At 10am I eat a snack that comes from 2 food groups. Such as a piece of fruit and almonds.

Then lunch between 12-1 and have 20g of protein, a grain, and either fruit or veggie.

Another snack again at 4pm consisting of a dairy and protein. I usually do fruit and cottage cheese, cheese stick and some nuts, or yogurt and fruit.

Then dinner between 6-7 with grain, 3oz lean meat, and veggie.

Every night I also have a sweet. She suggested buying things that are portioned if I couldn't trust myself with an entire container to portion out myself or to wait to portion it out until I was with another adult (my husband) who knew that I was only to have one normal sized portion. Another suggestion was to go get a soft serve cone and leave the place you buy is so you don't get another one!

I think the big thing for me was permission to eat! There were so many things I only ate when I was binging that I would not eat otherwise. Once I said- I can have that any time I want (and really believed myself) it took away the urge.

I eat very healthy foods, but am allowed to eat anything like a "normal" person (ie- not binge on it). I choose to not eat junk most days. It is funny how many things I am finding I wouldn't eat because they were "high calorie" (but not junk), but I find that if I allow a regular portion of it, and don't binge it all evens out and I am totally satisfied!

I hope this helps someone (and I hope it makes sense). I know "my" plan won't work for everyone but I just wanted to give an example of what an RD could help you do. It is such freedom to feel like there is more distance between me and binge eating. I wish you MUCH success!

I think for me being a strict calorie counter BEFORE- now having a plan still gives me that feeling of control without weighing out my food. There is a healthy structre. Every day it becomes easier and less like a "plan"- more like life!

kasondra said...

Thank you so much for you comment, it was such a joy to read!!! you have to idea. i am pretty much burned out of spending ALL of my energy fighting with myself! this blog has been something wonderful to get my feeling s out into and get some support from other people. i have recently gone to a couple of Overeater's Anonymous meetings and they have been nice. but everyone their, in my opinion, isn't really living their life. it is like they have one extra bite of broccoli and they "broke their abstinence." anyways thank you again for you help and support. keep in tough with the blog! -thanks, Kasondra :)

Anonymous said...

Okay- me again! I will keep in touch as I need the support also! I wanted to add my goal is "normalcy".

I had a coworker once who was part of overeaters anon., although I really don't know anything about it other than what I saw her do- it seemed like it was a strict diet. Measuring food, etc.

I want to move away from "diet" mentality.

I don't want any foods to be "bad" or cause guilt. I want to enjoy every situation and not feel anxiety over food. In the past any event with food- wedding, holiday party, or just lunch out with friends- I was consumed with the food. What I was eating, not eating, or if I was binging. Most of the time if I was "good" (restricting what I ate, or ordering what was the lowest calorie) it would lead to a binge later that day or the next. Eating a salad with no dressing made me feel deprived, even if in the moment I thought or told myself- this dry lettuce is delicious. Now I am learning to make healthy choices, but what I want and will truly satisfy me. It is amazing that by eating things I enjoy and want makes me satisfied and don't want to overeat. Some days I am so satisfied that I feel like I must have binged. It is really strange. Like I feel guilty, although when I go over what I ate, it is all healthy and appropriate portions.

I just don't want to think about it any more!! Of course I want to make/think about healthy choices, but I want to not worry about how everything was prepared. Just be able to take a reasonable amount, enjoy and then stop thinking about eating. If I do eat more than I would have liked, that is fine. I just don't want that to lead to a ridiculous binge.

I want to just live. Enjoy food, without thinking about it too much or eating too much! Not feeling guilty or thinking things are off limits. I want moderation, no weighing, measuring, obsessing!

We will get there!!

Thanks for the blog!

Anonymous said...

Wow- sorry I write so much :)

kasondra said...

Thank you so much for you second reply. i was so excited to see another post from you. you have no idea how much your insight and advice means to me. we seem to have the same outlook on how food should ift into our life. i admire the comfort you display around the topic of food you really seem to be at peace.

right now i am just burned out with myself and i am loosing trust. i want so much to succeed. i have spent all my energy on my success and continue to fall. i learn from every fall, but each one discourages me more and more and i feel i can no longer trust myself to make the right decision. how do i know that when i go to put a spoonful of PB on on my toast that I'm not going to go back for another and another. i tell myself h'm not going to. because i want to be done with this ED controlling me life more than anything, yet it happens again. (i hope this makes since i think i am rambling)

how did you start to regain trust in yourself? did you too make a lot of mistakes is finding a plan that works? anyways i think that is enough for one post. thanks again and i look forward to talking to you some more. you are a kind person. have an awesome night!!