Hello everyone! ok so today has probably been one of the worst days for me ever! most likely my ROCK BOTTOM. (i really hate saying that though because i feel like someone always has it worse off than i do) i have a hard time admitting to myself that it is ok to feel bad some days and need to rest, and make mistakes! i am SOOOO hard on myself. i hate that i cannot forgive myself!
this morning i woke up, took the dog outside (for him to decide not to pee - but to pee once we got back into the house haha) i decided (at 7:10) to start my breakfast off with a nectarine. then i wanted to dip it in some yogurt - so i measured out one cup full. then i decided i needed a grain and fat so i poured a cup of wheat bran and a large spoonful of white chocolate PB. it was all going fine and dandy until i decided to have a banana too, then another with more PB then some crackers with PB and Jelly. then i wanted another flavor of PB. i ended up eating 2 jars. a box of crackers. 5 packages of nature Vally granola bars. about 25 orios. 1/2 bag of soy chips. a jar of jelly. 1/2 container of yogurt. a million cinnamon almonds. 6 slices of toast with butter. i don't even remember what else. but i decided to purge : ( i'm so mad at myself) i can't believe i let myself go back to doing that. (i could list off a million reasons why i or anyone shouldn't be doing that) but i did. and I'm having trouble forgiving myself for it. it is funny though. i didn't let myself binge on my nice foods, expensive foods (ex. Greek yogurt, new apple cinnamon cookies). i decided NO. the only reason i stopped eating was because i ran out of stuff to eat. i am happy to say not that i have no more food in the house to binge on. or that i would bother binging on. i really need to develop an action plan for myself though. it is hard because i know how to eat. i could council anyone on how to eat healthfully. but with myself i just can't seem to do it correctly. i turn to food as my only coping method.
so my mom came over after work at about 1:45 and we are going to try to develop an action plan- if i can think rationally. argh! i keep letting myself over eat because i know i am slightly underweight and use it as an excuse. or a quick fix to be back to normal. the only way i can be back to normal would be to distress myself. my body goes into crazy mode when i am stressed and my body just eats itself. i loose my muscle and look like shit (even though i don't change anything about what i am eating) i also haven't really been exercising lately. i did go to the gym Monday night and it felt AMAZING!!! i need to make more time to go. anyways I'll stop rambling now. i hope you all have a nice day.