ok so i'm in a really big rush this AM because i have to get out the door to the doctors. and the truth is i could spend hours blogging lol. this am i made sort of french toast. it was more like french on toast. i used 5 egg whites, 1 whole egg, 1/2c wheat bran, 2 Moo Magic milk mixes, vanilla extract, cinnamon, 1c sliced strawberries, 1 peach, all on top of 1 slice arnolds WW toast with butter. YUMMMMMMY!

i also made my mom an omilate for b-fast. she really enjoyed it. it had 3 cheese in it. : )

i did something really therapeutic this am. i went for a sort of run. more like a trot. barely running quite slowly. it was 99% for my brain 1% for my heart. it felt amazing, empowering, i overcame a big obstacle for myself this summer. running for me this summer has been a road block. a mental brick wall holding me back. i conquered the pavement. i need to keep doing this. it is good for my head and i happen to be signed up for a 1/2 marathon in CT in oct. so i'd better get ready!!!!
i really want to go into the feelings of this run more. you just can't imagine how good about myself i feel having conquered that road block in my mind. it had gotten really bad. i would almost get anygry when i heard about other people, such as my mom and brother going for runs, but i jsut coudn't bring myself to go for one.

tonight for dinner (at 6:45) i had. 2 Quorn chicken cutlets, 1c Edamame (soy beans), 6 oz yogurt, 2c zucchini, butter, lemon juice, mrs dash, salt on the Edamame. their was really nothing to put the butter on besides the chicken. i really didn't need it and couldn't even taste it, but i needed 2 fats with this meal and thats all i could think of to go with it. also, i had a late snack so i wasn't terribly hungry for dinner. it felt a little like stuffing. funny, because it was my idea to go out for ice cream after dinner. i think i just wanted the challenge!!! haha silly kasondra. if only you knew me. i am always torturing myself and challenging myself. why can't i just give myself peace?

this is a picture of the ice cream that i got- after i already started eating it. i almost forgot to take the picture. there are 2 spoons because 1 was leftover from the sample of another flavor that i asked for. such a little bowl of mush causing so much discontent in my mind...

challenges

ok so today FLEW by! two major challenges tonight. one: i tried getting into a pool. (i really haven't been able to do this since the bad experience swimming in college, the feel of the pool deck and smell of chlorine just makes me really uncomfortable). i got into the pool fine. but i only lasted about 5 minutes, ahah. two: we went out for ice cream after dinner tonight. it was my idea. but quite stressful!! i felt a lot of emotion coming up while eating it. it took at lot to try and find joy from the ice cream. the only time ice cream has entered my body in the past...a little over a year, has been before or during a binge. it just brings back really strong emotion, which i have a really really difficulty time experiencing and expressing. it also brings back strong memories from binging. i remember binging strongly when i eat foods that i would binge on. graham crackers, Lorna Doons, PB, fluff, and granola are my most difficult foods.
I'm glad that i challenged myself today. but i think 2 things in one day was too much too soon. i'm feeling very overwhelmed. i am also unbelievably short with my family (the people i love most in this world. and my dog). i have a lot of guilt about what my family has gone through in the past year and a half with me. i really would like to get a better handle on expressing my feelings and emotions to that i can be nicer to them. they really put up a lot with me. i don't want them to have to. i want them to want to be around me and have good things to say about me. (i'm not saying that they don't) i have just been beating myself up about what a short-tempered bitch i have been to everyone that i care about and what a facade of joy i can be around the people i interact with day-to-day. i feel like i am rambling and loosing track of where i am going with all of this.

snack today came soooooo quick after lunch. i really wasn't hungry yet. but i had to eat it. i had pretty much the same thing as earlier. 1/2 pita that i split in half (leaving me with quarters). in one 1/2 i put 1/4 c mixed tuna and cottage cheese with Mrs. Dash. in the other 1/2 i had 1/2 c sliced strawberries with jam and cinnamon. i toasted both quarters in the toaster oven. so delicious!!!

i just added a new link on my page. purushayoga this is my aunt's site. check it out there is a lot to offer.

Hunger Scale

	10 - Stuffed You are so full you feel nauseous.
	9 - Very uncomfortably full You need to loosen your clothes.
	8 - Uncomfortably full You feel bloated.
	7 - Full A little bit uncomfortable.
	6 - Perfectly comfortable You feel satisfied.
	5 - Comfortable You’re neither hungry nor full.
	4 - Slightly uncomfortable You’re just beginning to feel hungry.
	3 - Uncomfortable Your stomach is rumbling.
	2 - Very uncomfortable You feel irritable & unable to concentrate.
	1 - Weak and light headed You stomach acid is churning.

here is my favorite version of the hunger scale. give it a try. you may be surprised as to how your stomach fools you.

after my snack at 11:00 my mom and i went for a short walk and picked some wild Blackberries! we found sooo many. of course i snitched a couple! YUMMY!

For lunch at 2:00 i had 4 meat, 2 starch, 2 veg, 2 fat, 1 milk.
6 oz yogurt with lemon juice in it (i used this a a dipping sauce for my vegetables and sandwich), leftover chicken from last night about 4 oz worth, 2c sliced zucchini, 2 slices of Arnold's Double fiber bread (really good, i had never had it before). about 1/2 cup garlic pickled in olive oil (i counted the olive oil as my 2 fats).


so my aunt called. She lives in San Fran. (she is amazing) she is everything (yoga teacher, yoga teacher instructor, nutritionist, personal trainer, idk. maybe she should write in a tell about her services!!!!)
but she was saying how much she loves the blog. i'm really excited that she likes it.

i'm trying to add more spiritual/ emotional aspects to the blog. bare with me while i get it up and running. it is really time consuming.

i went to a class at the gym from 8:30 to 9:30 i was rushing breakfast a little to get there in time! i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad that i went. i hadn't been to a class in a really long time but i had an amazing time!!! i feel so good now.
Snack at 10:45 was 1 starch, 1 meat. i had 1 pita split in 1/2. i toasted it. in one half i put jelly and a sprinkle of cinnamon. in the other 1/2 i had 1/4 c mixed tuna and cottage cheese i sprinkled some Mrs. Dash on it. together the tastes didn't really go but they were both delicious so i just ate one then the other. who cares if they didn't go together!

so for breakfast this AM at 7:40ish. i had 1 milk, 2 meat, 2 starch, 2 fruit, 1 fat.
6 oz yogurt, 6 egg whites, 1 1/4 c wheat bran (i just guessed on what 2 servings worth of starch wheat bran would be), 1c sliced strawberries with one peach, 1/2 Tablespoon cashew butter.
so my camera battery is dead i'm really sorry for no pic

so my nutritionist (RD) appointment went really well. i go some strong emotions out during it. scary. but she came up with a food plan for me that i am comfortable with (she said it was a little under calories, however, i really wasn't comfortable with her adding more yet. for some reason it was really really overwhelming. so here is my current plan:
B: 2 meat, 1 milk, 2 starch, 2 fruit, 1 fat
S: 1 fruit or starch, 1 meat
L: 3-4 meat, 1 milk, 2 starch, 2 veg, 2 fat
S: 1 fruit or starch, 1 meat
D: 4 meat, 1 milk, 2 starch, 2 veg, 2 fat
One dessert daily, anytime

is had been pretty comfortable so far. she is trying to diminish my bloated feeling from stuffing myself with low cal foods like vegetables then in turn binging. she is beefing up my consumption of higher density foods so that i am not nutritionally deprived and so that i can learn to be satisfied on less quantity and more quality.

so it figures my first day on the program and my camera ran out of battery! i would have loved to take pictures of my food. it was gorgeous, magazine ready!!!!! haha

i'll do my best to describe it to you, but really the picture is work 1,000 words. also i'm really excited because i went to a class at the gym today. i felt amazing during and after, i can really feel myself getting back on track. i didn't go into work today. it's funny, i counted in me head how much money i would make. i decided it really wasn't worth it!!! i need my head to be in a good place right now. i need to fight this ED and overcome the depression. i can already see major improvements. it is very hard for me to let myself feel bad. i have the attitude that their is always someone out their who is worse off than you. in turn i feel bad admitting that i am having a difficult time because i know it could be worse and i should appreciate what i have. i just need to surrender. surrendering has been the most difficult part. admitting was easy. now that i have surrendered i realize how exhausted i am. it feels really good to be on track for recovery. i am sort of thinking of my life as if it were a treatment program. (i have actually been in a treatment center once about 10 months ago. i felt like a prisoner! so i designed my own at home treatment program. i am using all my resources. Both my parents are Yoga instructors. my mom has a nutrition background in health and wellness and was a midwife and is currently an occupational therapist. my father helps me practice mindfulness. my mom is willing to explore me feelings with me and complete workbooks. (in between my consoling sessions) i really think this is going to work. intensive at home treatment until my school job starts (occupational therapist in an elementary school. i love it : ))

uggggh!

at 7:45 i had my breakfast, after about 1.5 hours of chewing a spitting crap!!!!
i think my body was fooled because of the chewing a spitting . once i finally did "Eat" my body just wasn't satisfied. so i had 2 yogurts- the gross kind with artificial sweeteners and HFCS. cheerios, gram crackers, cheez-it's, a package of oatmeal, popcorn,


i made a huge banana split with a jar of PB, chocolate scauce, sprinkles, grham crackers, than i had ANOTHER!!!! i had 2 large banana splits (the entire container of vanilia ice cream)
(i hate that their is so much available food to binge on at my summer job)

i had some lorna doons too. oh man. and a key lime pie lar bar


i felt soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disgusting. i had so much anger!!! i wouldn't even think straight. i went for a little walk to try and cool down. i also called my mom and that helped me to work through some feelings.
i discovered a lot about myself. i will delve into it in another post.
on the way home i stopped at whole foods and got these individual almond butter packs. this should help me to regulate the amount that i eat.


i also bought a jar a cashew butter , i just need to get away from the PB taste , i have binged on it way tooo many times. i figured that i would play around with some different nut butters and have some better success getting the healthy fats in!before leaving work i had another larbar and most of the lunch i had packed (at about 2:00) i just wanted to get myself right back on track as soon a possible no matter how full i was or how much i was beating myself up!!!!! [the salad consisted of 1/2 can tuna 1/2 c cottage cheese, lots of veggies, and that champagne pear dressing with goat cheese] (sorry i don't have a pic.)


late that evening i went to a graduation party. i was a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had not seen these people in about 2 years. i looked like shit, i felt like shit, and i was insulted (someone bluntly asked me if i would be graduating from high school soon and wanted to know if i was doing any lifeguarding for a summer job. she couldn't believe that i was a therapist. she told me that i looked like a young teenager!!! why do these people say these things out loud!!!! i had some fruit salad at the grad party.i went home that night and fell asleep on the couch at about 6:00 and slept until 7:40 the next AM.


anyways, my mom is waiting for me to develop a wellness plan for me (which i think is a excellent idea)!!! oh and my mom had a great idea (P.S. i have been staying with my parents through this crisis). i will prepare both of our foods. because i always say "I know how to eat" "I would have no problem feeding someone else" "why do i have so much trouble feeding myself!!!!!" so her idea is that i prepare both of our meals and it will help me in turn with my own eating. i think it may help.


so for breakfast this AM (08.11.08) at 8:30
i made 1c wheat bran, 4 plumbs, a handful of blueberries, 6 oz greek yogurt, with a spoonful of my net cashew butter stirred in! it was really good. but hard to put food in my stomach after being so mean to myself yesterday!

for my mom i made yogurt mixed with applesauce, handful of blueberries, walnuts, and a slice of cornbread (she had about 1/2 of the slice). i must say i really did enjoy making breakfast for her as well.